Musings from a New York City Mom

Margot Livesey Reinvents 'Jane Eyre'

2012-01-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

I received an email tonight about a forthcoming book, The Flight of Gemma Hardy by Margot Livesey, in which a young woman determined to overcome her gothically unfortunate childhood, accepts a position as an au pair on Scotland's remote Orkney Islands. Barnes & Noble tells me that "in the spirit of Jane Smiley's A Thousand Acres, this modern reworking of Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre spins a classic novel into something wonderfully new."

This reminds me of other retellings. Who doesn't love West Side Story as an updated version of Romeo and Juliet? One of the first I encountered is the Jane Eyre prequel Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Ryes. And there have been a flurry of them since then: The Hours for Mrs. Darroway; and a whole batch for Little Women. But certainly this isn't new: in college I spent a whole semester examining the various versions of the Don Juan legend.

2012 and 2011 Fashion Trends

2012-01-05T21:09:00.003-05:00

As I get older, I am find I like to pick and choose from the fashion trends, paying attention to what suits my body type and my taste, and staying away from things that feel too "young" for me. So here is my reaction to Lucky magazine's top trends.

For 2012, Lucky predicts that I'll want to own:

1. Something orange. And this might, in fact, be true. A couple of seasons ago, I bought a great orange and pink color-blocked tote. I also bought orange peep toe wedges (which, sadly, I wore out), orange patent flip flops, a dramatic orange necklace, and an orange belt. I will probably continue to wear all of these. And maybe I'll buy one or two more orange items. But I am most likely to buy accessories that add a pop of color, rather than something like the in-your-face orange coat Lucky featured.
2. A peplum skirt. Hmmm... not sure that this is for me. I like a peplum jacket for the way it nips in at the waist and then eases over my more substantial hips, but the picture Lucky shows of the peplum skirt makes it seem like it would emphasize my hips.
3. Gold nail polish. No question here - sounds fun, inexpensive, and worth a try.
4. The little white dress. This is a big question mark. I just divested myself of two white dresses -- I didn't find them flattering -- either too sweet or too frumpy. And now that I don't tan like I used to, the contrast of wearing white after a day at the beach has lost some of its appeal.
5. A mesh top. Nope, this isn't for me. I don't even really like mesh golf shirts (when the mesh serves a function) so I don't think I'll go for it as a fashion statement.
6. Pastel blazer. I don't see this either -- at my age, pastels look for geriatric than youthful. And since the example looks like a boyfriend jacket from the 80s, I definitely want to avoid the trends of my youth.
7. Woven clutch. Yup. Love it.
8. Shorts suit. Oh God, no!
9. Wedges. Yes, yes, yes!
10. Flapper frock. I love the look and would love to be able to wear it, but alas, it doesn't suit my figure -- you need to be tall and lean for a drop waist.

These are Lucky's standouts from 2011:

1. Crazy nails. I was definitely too old and out of style for this craze.
2. Lace. Loved it then and now.
3. Blouses. Ditto.
4. The lwd. See #4 above.
5. Brights. Have always loved them and probably always will.
6. Kate Middleton. I certainly hope she's here to stay!
7. Prints. Restrained pairings (where one pattern is the star and the others play supporting roles) yes; wild and crazy mix-and-matches no.
8. Glitter. I'm not 8, so this is definitely not for me.
9. Tomboy. I like that casual, insouciant look, but have never been able to carry it off.
10. French girl style. While I'm not a fan of berets, I do know how to tie a scarf! And I love smart, simple, elegant clothes.

For more commentary about 2011 style, see:

Fall 2011 Must-Have's
Style.com, ivillage.com and Allure.com's top picks
Real Beauty and Elle's fall fashion guides
Fall fashion picks and pans

Things to Do in Our Apartment

2011-12-05T15:49:00.003-05:00

We've been in our place for almost 10 years now, and there are some updates I'd like to make. Probably most importantly is repainting. I mostly like the colors we originally chose, although I think I'd choose something different for our bedroom now. But everything needs to be refreshed and since my kids were toddlers when we moved in, there is obvious wear in tear in areas on the molding where they rode their big wheels, etc.
Here's a room by room list of what I'd like to do:

Foyer:

Replace rug (possibilities include: http://www.rugs-direct.com/ShopDetail/Details/152019/LoloiRugs/Maple/MP41/NavyRed; http://www.rugs-direct.com/ShopDetail/Details/114522/Nourison/Nourison2000/2015/Navy; http://www.rugs-direct.com/ShopDetail/Details/152905/DynamicRugs/Charisma/1403/BlueIvory500; http://www.rugs-direct.com/ShopDetail/Details/137341/Safavieh/OldWorld/OW122/BlueLightGoldA .
Polish marble floor.

Kitchen:

Replace countertops and tabletop (or resurface, see: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/product-reviews/innovative-products-awards-2012?src=nl&mag=ghk&list=nl_gga_pro_non_011912_innovative-product-awards&kw=ist#slide-8).
Reface cabinets (but configuration and insides of cabinets is fine).
Update stove, microwave and dishwasher to stainless steel.
Repair chips in floor or replace.

Living Room/Dining Room:

Polish marble floor.
Hang new art work on living room wall.
Replace dining room chairs. Possibilities include: http://www.grandinroad.com/set-of-two-valencia-chairs/indoor-furniture/chairs/leather-chairs/16389 and http://www.crateandbarrel.com/furniture/dining-chairs/lowe-red-leather-side-chair/s168851
Fix/replace overhead track lighting.
Buy new chandelier.

Hallway:

Update photos.
Maybe add new rug. Possibilities include: http://www.rugs-direct.com/ShopDetail/Details/114522/Nourison/Nourison2000/2015/Navy; http://www.rugs-direct.com/ShopDetail/Details/137341/Safavieh/OldWorld/OW122/BlueLightGoldA; http://www.rugs-direct.com/ShopDetail/Details/156480/DynamicRugs/Brilliant/72284/Blue920

Master Bedroom:

Rethink art work.
Buy new lampshades.
Buy jewelry organizer and hang on closet door.

Master Bathroom:

Fix or replace track lighting.

Kids:
There is stuff to be done in the kids' rooms, too, but beyond the new mattress and window treatments that each has said they want, I am reluctant to go too far in planning their spaces.

That being said, Kenny needs a bedside table. Possibilities include: http://www.levenger.com/PAGETEMPLATES/PRODUCT/Product.asp?Params=Category=5-22|Level=2-3|PageID=8069

And Bobby wants a new chest of drawers in his closet.

Go Bag

2011-12-01T10:18:00.000-05:00

An article about "go-bags" in today's New York Times reminded me that some years ago, in advance of visits to my parents huge but very cluttered wooden house, I sometimes had dreams that the house was on fire. I'd quickly rescue my two young children, and then my father. But I always had trouble getting my mother out of the house. She was so attached to all her possessions that she couldn't decide what to take with her, and as she dithered, I argued that time was short, that we had to leave, that it wasn't safe, but she remained, stubbornly considering which of her many treasures she loved most.

So what would I take with me in an emergency? Other than my family, I think my top priority would be my wallet and my i-phone. Cash and credit cards would go a long way to helping us manage if we were suddenly homeless, and having had my ID stolen a couple of times, I know how useful that can be, too. And my phone has all the contact info I'd need to summon help.

Of course in a post-apocalyptic world, none of this would matter. But then, I think nothing I could easily carry with me would, and so why plan or worry?

Teen Suicide

2011-11-30T18:36:00.000-05:00

I recently read a heart-breaking account of a teen's suicide. This boy was smart, well-adjusted and well-loved by his family and friends. Apparently he felt momentarily overwhelmed by the circumstances of his busy life and suddenly didn't know how to deal with things. It seems so random, so tragic. And, of course, it makes me worry about what might some day happen to my kids.

One More Recipe

2011-11-21T11:29:00.000-05:00

I promise: this is the last recipe I'll post for a while. But when I saw this in the NY Times a couple of weeks ago, I knew I'd want to try this cake some day and this seems a good place to remember it.

All-in-One Holiday Bundt Cake

Ingredients:
1 1/4 sticks (10 tablespoons) unsalted butter, at room temperature, plus more for the pan
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon grated nutmeg
Pinch salt
1 1/2 teaspoons grated fresh ginger (or 1 teaspoon ginger powder)
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs, at room temperature
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups canned unsweetened pumpkin purée
1 large apple, peeled, cored and finely chopped
1 cup cranberries, halved or coarsely chopped
1 cup pecans, coarsely chopped
Maple icing (optional; see Note).

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees with a rack in the center. Butter a 9- to 10-inch (12-cup) Bundt pan.
2. Whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt and ginger powder, if you’re using it instead of the grated ginger.
3. Working with a stand mixer, preferably fitted with a paddle attachment, or with a hand mixer in a large bowl, beat together the remaining butter and both sugars at medium speed until light and fluffy, 2 or 3 minutes. Add the eggs one at a time, and beat for 1 minute after each addition. Beat in the vanilla.
4. Reduce the speed to low and add the pumpkin, apple and grated ginger, if using it. Don’t be concerned if the batter looks curdled. Add the dry ingredients, mixing only until they are incorporated. With a rubber spatula, stir in the cranberries and pecans. Scrape the batter into the pan and smooth the top.
5. Bake directly on the oven rack for 60 to 70 minutes, or until a thin knife inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Transfer to a rack and cool for 10 minutes before unmolding, then cool to room temperature on the rack. Serve in thick slices.

Yield: 12 or more servings.

Note: For maple icing, sift 6 tablespoons confectioners’ sugar into a bowl. Stir in 2 tablespoons maple syrup. Add syrup little by little, until you have an icing that runs nicely off the tip of the spoon. Put the cooled cake on wax paper and drizzle the icing from the tip of the spoon over it. Let the icing set for a few minutes.

Note also: Wrapped well, the cake will keep at room temperature for up to 5 days, at which point it’s good for toasting; or freeze for up to 2 months.

Thanksgiving Day

2011-11-20T16:58:00.000-05:00

We'll be in town for Thanksgiving this year (in part to see the Yorkville Eagles play the Harlem Jets in a Turkey Bowl game). So I've been thinking about how we'll feast on the big day. Here are some of the things I've been considering:

BREAKFAST

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Spread (from )

Ingredients:

1 8-ounce package cream cheese, softened
Wegmans Neufchatel Cheese $4.49
Regular
Wegmans American Cheese, Yellow or White
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Wegmans
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Philadelphia Cream Cheese 4 for $5.00
Cream
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Waldbaum's
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Kraft Philadelphia Cream Cheese $1.88
Plain Brick
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Foodtown
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Dutch Farms Cream Cheese $1.99
Plain Brick
thru 2011-11-17
King Kullen
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Kraft Philadelphia Cream Cheese 4 for $5.00
Plain Brick
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Pathmark
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Philadelphia Cream Cheese 4 for $5.00
Original
Bar, 8 oz. Assorted Varieties, with card!
thru 2011-11-17
A&P
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Philadelphia Cream Cheese 2 for $5.00
Original
Bars (8 oz.) Regular or 1/3 Less Fat with card!
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Food Emporium
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Kraft Philadelphia Cream Cheese 2 for $3.00
Plain Brick
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Stop & Shop
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Philadelphia Neufchatel Cheese $0.99
Neufchatel
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Shop Rite
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Kraft Philadelphia Cream Cheese 2 for $4.00
Plain Brick
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D'Agostinos
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Philadelphia Fat Free Cream Cheese $1.48
Fat Free
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Walmart Supercenter
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1/2 cup canned pumpkin
Libby's Pumpkin Filling $1.99
Pumpkin Filling
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Key Food
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Libby's Pumpkin Filling $1.79
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Libby's 100% Pure Pumpkin $1.99
100% Pure Pumpkin
15 oz. can
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Pioneer
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Limit of 1 per customer, Selected Varieties Only, Loyalty Card Required, After $1.00+Up Reward
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Rite Aid - Food
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Libby's Pumpkin Filling $1.99
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D'Agostinos
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Libby's Pumpkin Filling $1.68
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1/4 cup sugar
Domino Premium Pure Cane Sugar, Granulated $1.99
Premium Pure Cane Sugar, Granulated
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Waldbaum's
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Domino Pure Cane Granulated Sugar $2.99
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Woodstock Farms Pure Cane Sugar, Organic $2.99
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? Brown ? Powdered ? Pure Cane 16-24 oz
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Domino Pure Cane Granulated Sugar $2.99
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Wholesome Sweeteners Natural Cane Sugar from Malawi On Sale Now
Natural Cane Sugar from Malawi
Sweeteners Natural, Trade Sugar $3.79-$8.99 16 - 35 oz. Assorted Varieties with card!
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Food Emporium
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Wholesome Sweeteners Organic Sugar On Sale Now
Organic Sugar
Organic & Fair Trade Sugar $3.79-$8.99 16 - 35 oz. Assorted Varieties with card!
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Domino Pure Cane Granulated Sugar $2.99
Pure Cane Granulated Sugar
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3/4 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
McCormick Pumpkin Pie Spice $5.19
Pumpkin Pie Spice
1.12 oz. with card!
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1/2 teaspoon vanilla
McCormick Imitation Vanilla Extract $3.99
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McCormick Imitation Vanilla Extract $2.49
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McCormick Pure Vanilla Extract $3.99
Pure Vanilla Extract
2 fl. oz. with card!
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McCormick Pure Vanilla Extract 2 for $5.00
Pure Vanilla Extract
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McCormick Pure Vanilla Extract $3.99
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Met
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2 oz. cont.
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Directions:

Beat all ingredients in a medium mixing bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until smooth. Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour or up to 24 hours. Makes 1-1/2 cups (24, 1-tablespoon servings).

MAIN MEAL

Ultimately we decided to have dinner at the Penn Club, where we enjoyed a great Mother's Day brunch a couple of years ago. The Club's traditional Thanksgiving buffet will include:

Smoked Seafood
Shrimp Cocktail
Cheeses and Patés
Composed Salads
Pumpkin Soup
Traditional Roasted Turkey with all the Trimmings
Herb Crusted Beef Tenderloin
Homemade Grand Dessert Buffet

But if we hadn't decided to go out, I would have enjoyed cooking. Perhaps I would have taken the easy way out and ordered a FreshDirect meal, which includes a whole roasted turkey, traditional turkey gravy, bake and serve dinner rolls, cranberry sauce, classic cranberry stuffing, creamed spinach, French green beans almondine, maple roasted yams with marshmallows, almost perfect mashed potatoes, and Carolina pecan pie.
Or I might have planned to follow Ina Garten's Thanksgiving Menu: Rosemary roasted cashews; Butternut squash and apple soup; Parsley, sage, rosemary & thyme turkey; Herb and apple stuffing bread pudding; String beans with shallots, Celery root & apple puree; Brussel sprout lardons; Cranberry fruit conserve; Baked chocolate pudding; Raspberry cheesecake; and Pumpkin mousse parfaits.

Or I might have assembled my own menu, which might have included:

Turkey with Cranberry Pecan Stuffing

Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter (1 stick)

4 stalks celery, chopped (about 2 cups)

2 large onions, chopped (about 2 cups)

6 cups chicken broth

2 pkg. (16 ounces each) Pepperidge Farm® Herb Seasoned Stuffing

1 cup cranberries

1 cup chopped pecans

1 (20 pound) turkey

Vegetable oil

Directions:

1. Heat the butter in a 4-quart saucepan over medium heat. Stir the celery and onions in the saucepan and cook until they're tender.

2. Stir the broth in the saucepan and heat to a boil. Remove the saucepan from the heat. Add the stuffing, cranberries and pecans and mix lightly.

3. Remove the package of giblets and neck from the turkey cavity. Rinse the turkey with cold water and pat it dry. Spoon the stuffing lightly into the neck and body cavities (if desired; otherwise cook stuffing separately and reduce cooking time). Fold the loose skin over the stuffing. Tie the ends of the drumsticks together. Place the turkey, breast side up in a shallow roasting pan. Brush with oil. Insert a meat thermometer into the thickest part of the meat, not touching bone.

4. Roast the turkey at 325 degrees F. for 5 hours or until the thermometer reads 180 degrees F. and the drumstick moves easily, basting occasionally with the pan drippings. Begin checking for doneness after 4 1/2 hours of roasting time. Allow the turkey to stand for 10 minutes before slicing.

5. Bake any remaining stuffing in a covered casserole along with the turkey for 30 minutes or until it's hot.

I made a sweet potato recipe several years ago that I think was from the Neeley's. It included coconut and it was fabulous and easy. If I can't find that recipe, I might try:

Cane Syrup–Glazed Sweet Potatoes with Marshmallow Streusel

Sweet Potatoes Ingredients:
4 pounds dark-skinned sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1-inch cubes
1/3 cup cane syrup
5 tablespoons butter
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons grated orange zest
2 tablespoons orange liqueur

Streusel Topping Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter, at room temperature and cut into pieces
1/2 cup light-brown sugar
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup toasted pecan pieces
2 cups miniature marshmallows

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 375°F.
Arrange the potatoes in 13 x 9 x 2-inch glass baking dish. Combine the cane syrup, butter, and salt in a small saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil, then remove the pan from the heat and stir in the orange zest and liqueur. Pour the sugar mixture over the potatoes, and toss the potatoes to coat. Cover the dish tightly with foil.
Bake for 50 minutes, then remove the dish from the oven, take off the foil, and bake for another 20 minutes, until the potatoes are tender and the syrup has thickened slightly, basting occasionally.
Meanwhile, make the marshmallow streusel: Combine the butter, brown sugar, flour, cinnamon, salt, and pecans in the bowl of a food processor fitted with a metal blade, and pulse the mixture until it resembles coarse pebbles. Transfer the mixture to a bowl, then add the marshmallows and toss to combine.
Raise the oven temperature to 425°F. Top the sweet potatoes with the marshmallow streusel. Return to the oven, and bake until the topping is bubbly and browned, about 10 minutes.
Serves 8.

Of course it isn't Thanksgiving without dessert. I likely would have made two:

Best Apple Pie

Ingredients:

2 pounds cooking apples, pared, quartered, cored and thinly sliced (8 cups)

1/3 cup firmly packed light-brown sugar

1/3 cup granulated sugar

1 tablespoon cornstarch or 2 tablespoons flour

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 box piecrust mix or 1 package (15 ounces) refrigerated piecrusts

2 tablespoons butter or margarine

Water or milk

Sugar for sprinkling

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 425 degrees F. Place apples in large bowl; mix sugars, cornstarch or flour, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt in a small bowl; sprinkle over apples; toss gently to mix. Let stand until a little juice forms, about 10 minutes.
2. Meanwhile, prepare piecrust mix, following package directions. Roll out half of dough to a 12-inch round on a lightly floured surface; fit into a 9-inch pie plate. Trim overhang to 1/2 inch.
3. Pile apple mixture into pastry; dot with butter or margarine. Moisten edge of bottom pastry with water. Roll out remaining pastry for top to a 12-inch round; carefully drape over filling. Trim overhang to 1 inch; turn edges under and press together to seal. Flute decoratively. Cut vents in pastry with paring knife.
4. For a crispy-sugary top, brush top of pastry with a little water or milk and sprinkle lightly with sugar.
5. Bake at 425 degrees F for 40 minutes or until juices bubble through slits and apples are tender. If edge is browning too fast, cover with a narrow strip of foil. Cool completely or serve slightly warm.

Spiced Pumpkin Cheesecake

Ingredients:

38 Nabisco ginger snaps, finely crushed
1/4 cup finely chopped pecans
1/4 cup butter, melted
4 packages (8 oz each) cream cheese, softened
1 cup sugar
1 15 oz can pumpkin
1 Tbsp pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp vanilla
4 eggs
1 cup whipped cream
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

Directions:
1. Heat oven to 325 F.
2. Mix crumbs, nuts and butter. Press onto bottom and 1 inch up side of a 9-inch springform pan.
3. Beat cream cheese and sugar with mixer until blended. Add pumpkin spice and vanilla; mix well. Add eggs 1 at a time and mix until blended.
4. Pour into crust and bake 1 hour and 20 minutes or until center is almost set.
5. Cool. Refridgerate for 4 hours.
6. Remove rim and serve with dollop of whipped cream and dusting of nutmeg.

A Frittata Recipe

2011-11-03T08:49:00.001-04:00

I'm always looking for dishes the whole family will like. I think this might be a winner. It is an adaptation of Williams-Sonoma's Lodge Brunch Frittata, using bacon/pancetta instead of sausage and omitting the green onions, mushrooms and peppers.
Ingredients
3 cups crustless brioche cubes (1" cubes)
10 eggs
1/4 cup half-and-half
salt and pepper to taste
6 oz cheddar cheese, but into 1/4" cubes
8 oz thick bacon or pancetta
2 yellow onions, finely chopped
Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Place bread cubes on baking sheet and toast in oven until lightly golden, about 15 minutes.
Let cool in large bowl.
Whisk eggs, half-and-half, salt and pepper. Gently fold in brioche and cheese cubes. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate 1 hour.
Chop bacon/pancetta into 1/4 inch pieces and cook over medium-high heat in large pan until fat is rendered. Transfer to paper-towel covered plate to drain.
Drain all but 1 tbsp of bacon fat from pan. Add chopped onion to pan and cook, stirring occasionally, until caramelized, about 10-15 minutes.
Poor egg mixture into pan, stir to evenly distribute eggs and onions. Cover with pan lid. Cook until beginning to set, about 4-6 minutes.
Uncover pan, run spatula around edge of frittata and flip onto a large plate. Then flip back into pan with bottom side up. Cook, covered, another 4-6 minutes.
Slide frittata onto cutting board. Let rest for about 5 minutes. Then slice and serve.

Family Traditions

2011-11-02T22:48:00.006-04:00

I saw a family traditions journal in a catalog. It is meant to be used to record the memories and habits that make your family special. Truly, this item belongs to the category of "what to give to the person who already has everything" and yet the notion of thinking about and writing down the repeated actions -- both large and small -- that bring meaning and joy to a family is a nice idea.
So here are some of the things that I treasured as I grew up:

Choosing what we'd have for dinner on my birthday (usually spaghetti with meat sauce).
Using the fine china (but the wheat set, never the gold-rimmed set) and the good glasses for special meals.
Crackers and dip on the reindeer plate.
Attending Christmas Eve church services.
Trying to "catch" Santa by tracking the apples we left for his reindeer, while by parents ever upped the ante with footprints from the fireplace, etc.
Opening stockings and Christmas presents one at a time to really appreciate each gift.
The Creche set my grandmother made... and moving the Wise Men as Epiphany grew closer.
Renting a house by a lake for a week in the summer. Swimming all day.
Playing board games together.
Sunday night dinners by the fire in the Storey Ave. house followed by popcorn served in wooden bowls.
Getting up really early for Easter Egg hunts. So early that we had plenty of time to get ready before the 8 am church service.
Giving my dad all the black jellybeans (he was the only one who liked them).
The speckled eggs that tasted like malted milk balls from my grandmother.
Growing up in the '80s in a house that had been in the family since the '40s.

And some of my favorite family traditions now:

Hearing two details of my boys' day every night at dinner.
Taking turns choosing songs when we ride in the car together.
Halloween parties.
Choosing and decorating our Christmas tree together.
Holidays at my sisters'.
Our poker competitions (with a trophy for the winner).
Monopoly marathons in PA.
The perfect foursome for golf.

12/6/2011 update: see the related articles Tips for Starting a Family Holiday Tradition and 33 Fun Christmas Activities.

Birthday Surprise

2011-10-15T17:40:00.003-04:00

DH really outdid himself with my birthday this year. The highlight was a make-up session with beautiful Carmindy from TLC's What Not To Wear. Here's what she advises:

Apply moisturizer with sunscreen, then foundation (Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Your Skin Makeup in Sandy Beige) using a non-latex sponge. Apply over eyelids and under eyes and to the hairline.
Dab on concealer (Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Fast Fix Concealer in Light) under eyes.
Dust powder (Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Luminous Matte Pressed Powder in Neutralizer) all over face including eyelids.
Fill in brows using Lorac Brow Pencil in Brunette.
Line upper lashline and smooth over with an angle brush.
"Carmindize" by applying the highlight shade from the Mountain palette (Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Instant Definition Eye Palatte: Mountain) under brows, on inner corners of eyes (tear duct), on top of cheek bones (using fan brush), and around lips.
Sweep the lid shade from the Quartz palette (Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Instant Definition Eye Palatte: Quartz) across the eyelid from lashline to crease.
Sweep the contour shade from the Mountain palette (Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Instant Definition Eye Palatte: Mountain) under the lower lashline halfway.
Finish eyes with Blinc Kiss Me Mascara in Black.
Apply blush (Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Natural Powder Blush in Ethereal) on apples of cheeks and back to hairline.
Finish face with lipstick and gloss (Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Lip Color: Berry Wine or Champagne Rose and Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Forever Stay Moisture Gloss in Sun Bronze or Blossom).

Carmindy recommends the following tools:

Fluffy brush for face powder.
Small brush for eye lid powder.
Very big fluffy brush for blush.
Fan brush for highlighting the tops of cheekbones.
Double-ended brush for highlighting under eyebrows and inner corners.
Smallest brush for eyelid shadow.
Angle brush for softening eyeliner on top of eyes and for smudging powder under eyes.
The world's best Brush Cleaner.

Note: for special occasions, when I really want to shine, I should use Sally Hansen Natural Beauty inspired by Carmindy Luminizing Face Primer before foundation.

Rewarding Kids for As

2011-10-11T12:30:00.000-04:00

On more than one occasion, my kids have chided me for not rewarding them for good report cards. I remember feeling similar resentment when I was younger. But I truly believe that they should feel good about doing well in school without any extra monetary motivation. They should want to do their best for their own confidence and for what it will bring them in the future. (I'm not going to reward them for sports accomplishments, either, by the way). Still, it is nice to point out that there are programs that will give them something for their As. Here is a nice list from Family Circle magazine (too bad more of them aren't available in our neck of the woods).

Scholarly Sustenance
Pizza Hut Three A's Program: Elementary and middle schoolers with a trio of top grades just need to show their report card at select franchises to receive a free personal pan pizza and a small soft drink or carton of milk. Schools can also participate in BOOK IT!, which gifts free personal pan pizzas for meeting reading goals. bookitprogram.com
Jason's Deli JD Pickle Reward: Teachers and parents can award children under 12 J.D. Pickle Cards to redeem for a free kids' meal. jasonsdeli.com/LoveBites/JDPickleCards
Krispy Kreme Good Grades Program: Get 'em while they're hot: Take home an Original Glazed doughnut for each report card A (half-dozen maximum). krispykreme.com

Awarding Activities
Topps of the Class: Bring a report card to participating "Home Team Advantage" hobby stores to clinch a free Topps trading card. topps.com
Brunswick Bowling Games for Grades: Practice makes perfect: Score a free game for each report card A at Brunswick Zone and Zone XL. bowlbrunswick.com
Blockbuster Good Grades, Free Rental Program: Film fanatics will enjoy this perk for having a GPA above 2.7 or an 80% average. blockbuster.com/goodgrades

Driving Success
State Farm: Get up to 25% off for ranking in the top 20% of the class, having a B average or a 3.0 GPA, or making dean's list or honor roll. statefarm.com
Progressive: 10% off for ranking in the upper 20th percentile of the class or on standardized tests, maintaining a B average or 3.0 GPA, or making dean's list or honor roll (varies by state). progressive.com
Farmers: 5% to 25% off for being in the top 20% of the class, earning a 3.0 GPA or making dean's list or honor roll. farmersinsurance.com
Esurance: 5% to 10% off for maintaining a 3.0 or B average. esurance.com
Liberty Mutual: 22% to 35% off for maintaining a B average. auto-insurance.libertymutual.com
GEICO: 10% to 15% off for achieving a B average or being in the top 20% of the class. geicoteendriving.com

Head of the Class
Check with your kid's teacher about signing up for these school-affiliated programs:
Fazoli's Friendly Reader Program: Every five books read earns a free kids' meal, and so does perfect attendance. fazolis.com/kids
Noodles & Company School Tools: Bring in a certificate for perfect attendance, honor roll, good citizenship or fitness to choose a free bowl of pasta. noodles.com
Red Robin Certificate of Excellence: Feast on a free kids' meal (ages 10 and under) or Monster Milkshake (11 and up) for academic achievement, acts of kindness or perfect attendance. redrobin.com
Color Me Mine Bookmark Program: Kids who meet their reading goals earn a prize, such as free paint time or a ceramic piece, at this paint-your-own pottery studio. colormemine.com
Six Flags Read to Succeed: K-6 students who complete six hours of non-school-related reading approved by their parents and teachers are eligible for free admission to their nearest theme park. readtosucceed.discoveryeducation.com

Get served a free kids' meal through these restaurant programs:

Souplantation & Sweet Tomatoes Star Achiever Award souplantation.com
A Is for Applebee's tlcneighborhood.com
Friendly's Achievement Award friendlys.com
Pizzeria Uno School Award Certificate Program unos.com/awards.html
Evans Star Student Program bobevans.com

Hey, It's OK...

2011-10-05T22:31:00.000-04:00

...to escape into the bathroom to finally have some time alone.

...to borrow money from your kids to pay for the delivery pizza they want to order for dinner.

...to insist that they share their Halloween loot with you (especially the chocolates!).

...to pick your battles carefully.

...to occasionally insist that "because I said so" is a legitimate reason for just about anything.

...to insist that they hug you (privately, of course), even when they are teenagers and you are the enemy.

A Question of Character

2011-09-20T18:12:00.000-04:00

The New York Times has been exploring the issue of character in education lately. A few weeks ago, the Science section featured a piece about how school curriculums generally fall short on the bigger lessons that lead to life success, arguing that traits like self-control, motivation, focus and resilience are a better predictor of long-term success than academic performance and test scores and encouraging parents to praise hard work and effort rather than getting an A or being smart.

Similarly, Sunday's magazine asked "What if the Secret to Success is Failure?" The article cited research that a set of character traits, roughly summed up by the concept of "grit," has routinely led to more longer-term success and even happiness, than I.Q.

I had all of this in mind today as I talked with two dads about "helicoptering." I still want my high school freshman to text me when he arrives safely at school. He's given me a little pushback on this, and even I have questioned how long I'll make him do this. It isn't him I don't trust, of course. Rather it is the big bad world. When he is with his friends, as he is when he travels from school to football practice, I don't worry -- someone is there and will see if something happens to him. But when he is by himself, I am totally aware that it will be hours and hours before I know that something has gone awry. This led to the question of GPS in cellphones and more...

But the bottom line is: how much independence are we, as parents, willing to give up to our kids? Having kids face minor setbacks is easy, but bigger failures - those that are grade-related or safety-related, make it much harder to let go.

Rex Ryan's Book

2011-09-13T17:10:00.000-04:00

My family loves the NY Jets. My younger son wears a Jets baseball cap every single day. He's gone through several as he's grown, but it has to be a Jets cap. My husband owns all kinds of Jet's paraphernalia: t-shirts, sweatshirt, sweatpants, hats, socks, boxers. We watch all the games, on TV if we must, in person when we can.

So it is hardly surprising that this Mother's Day, I received a copy of Rex Ryan's new autobiography from my husband and kids (of course I had already purchased a copy for my husband as a Father's Day gift, but I returned it, figuring we didn't need two copies in the house). I was in the midst of another book when it arrived, so when my husband asked to read it first, I agreed. I took it on vacation a month or so later, and both my boys read it before I got a chance to pick it up. I'm about halfway through it now, but just had a request to lend it to my son's teacher (who reportedly "few in love with Rex Ryan" when she watched "Hard Knocks"). Of course I'll lend it to her... and some day I might get a chance to finish it myself!

Remembering September 11th

2011-09-11T22:44:00.000-04:00

I tried to ignore the anniversary activities for the most part this weekend. I did read Peggy Noonan's column in the WSJ yesterday, and found it quite moving, and was similarly touched when I heard bagpipes while running in Central Park this afternoon.

But mostly I just remembered what that day was like. The sky was so blue. Life seemed so full of possibilities: not just the usual back-to-school feelings that every September brings, but so much more.

I had just dropped my kids off at daycare/pre-school when I heard that a plane had hit one of the towers. Like many others, I imagined a small craft, like the plane that hit the Empire State Building. I was surprised when another mother worried about her husband's trip to a medical convention in Europe; it seemed inconceivable that a little accident would affect the busy NYC airports.

My own husband was also traveling - I knew that he was flying back from Texas after an overnight trip, but I expected that he'd go straight to the office and I wouldn't see him until evening. As it turns out, his flight never got off the ground. When he got off the plane and out of the airport, he went straight to the mall to pick up some extra underwear, socks and such, since he didn't know how long it would be before he made it home. It turned out to be almost a week.

He called, as I returned home and encouraged me to turn on the TV. What I saw was horrifying. The fridge and pantry were well stocked, but he encouraged me to pick up a few more things at the grocery store just in case. I also picked up some cash -- with the nation under attack, who knew what was going to happen? We talked about me driving the kids to our weekend house in PA if things in the city got worse (but ultimately this was a moot point -- no one was going anywhere in or out of Manhattan).

I hurriedly collected my kids from school/daycare. I just needed them with me -- just in case. The facility is associated with Mt. Sinai and I volunteered to pick up any other kids whose parents were needed at the hospital -- at this point we all thought there would be lots of casualties and that the NYC medical facilities would be overwhelmed with the wounded. Of course that didn't happen, and as the hours and hours of TV watching that day (and the next) wore on, an ongoing clip was of the staff at St. Vincent's Hospital as they waited for patients.

I watched TV non-stop for 2 days. Amazingly, my boys (then 4 years old and 5 months old) hung out quietly as I watched the towers fall again and again. At one point we ventured out briefly and discovered that the odd smell that had pervaded our neighborhood was actually from the smouldering World Trade Center. I had seen wisps of smoke in the distance, but wasn't prepared for that acrid smell.

The loss of the firefighters hit me the hardest. They had been such heroes to our boys. They represented everything strong and manly, pure and true. My older son dressed up as a firefighter for Halloween and we had made many trips to the Fire Zone together. So when the plea went out for donations of socks for the rescue crews, we happily complied. I think we donated food, too. Like many other kids, my son drew pictures of the images he had seen. It seemed to have affected him deeply, at least at the time.

My younger son remembers nothing of course. He was just too little. But every time I write the 2001 of his birth date, I think of that day.

2011-08-28T17:43:00.002-04:00

Here are some tips on dealing with teenage boys:

Pizza Pie

2011-08-18T19:47:00.000-04:00

My father's mother loved to tell the story about the first time she ever had pizza. Bear in mind that this was a woman who loved food, especially desserts (when she planned a dinner party, she started with the dessert and worked back from there; in her later years, after she lost most of her sense of taste -- and most of her teeth -- she loved Twinkies and Little Debbie snack cakes). She also had an adventurous streak -- she traveled to Puerto Rico by herself when she was about 20 years old and taught school there. She went around the world for the first time -- alone -- when she was 80. Anyway, she went out to an Italian place, had a pasta dinner and then ordered pizza pie for dessert, not knowing what it really was. She loved to tell about the big surprise she got when it was delivered to her table!

Free Dance Performances at the 92nd Street Y

2011-08-17T21:57:00.002-04:00

All the free cultural happenings are one of the wonders of NYC. After months of intending to, I finally made it to one of ARTEK's free mid-day early music concerts last spring. Now it is my intention to attend one of the free Friday dance performances held at noon at the 92nd Street Y.

According to the Y's catalog, "these free, one-hour mixed-bill events focus on the works of three or four choreographers featuring post-performance discussions wit the artists."

Here's the schedule:

September 23
October 14
October 21
October 28
November 11
December 2
December 9
January 6
January 20
January 27
February 10
April 13
April 20
May 11
May 25

I'd like to head back to another ARTEK concert, too. They are weekly, starting Wednesday, September 7 at 1:15 pm and running through the end of May. ARTEK also has 3 Thursday evening concerts (November 3rd, January 26th and April 19th) although these cost $25.

For me, one of the difficulties is that there are so many available performances -- it makes it too easy to put it off until next week if I'm busy.

Lying to Your Kids

2011-08-10T12:04:00.000-04:00

I recently a read an article about the lies we tell our kids that makes lying seem ok, and even, well, fun. I struggle with this view of the world. Lying to get kids to wear seatbelts in the car or to stop kicking the seat on an airplane? I understand being harried and quickly coming up with these falsehoods in a moment of weakness, but I hope these parents followed up at some point and told their kids the truth. And telling kids that ice cream is really cauliflower so that they won't want any seems to me to just avoiding the difficulty of saying "you can't have ice cream right now" -- and I find that a symptom of the perenial problem of parents who can't say "no."

There is no doubt that it is difficult to tell the truth sometimes. Kids ask tough questions at times when you're not expecting them. When my son was about 2 or 3 he asked where babies come from in a crowded elevator -- and you've never seen an elevator empty out so fast! More recently, my boys have expressed curiosity about our finances and income -- and the temptation coat the truth is certainly there since it isn't information we think they need right now. But instead, DH and I tell them that we don't want to discuss it with them at this point, that we don't think the numbers are meaningful until they can really understand the larger context.

I remember when I was little, my mom referred to beer as my dad's "brown medicine" (because his brand came in brown bottles). I still don't know why she did that. Why not just say "it's beer and it's not for kids?" These kinds of lies led to more lies, such as the time when I was about 6 that I was hit by a car while on my bike and I hid the incident from my mom for years, despite a huge scar on my stomach that took years to disappear.

Cherish Your Children

2011-08-09T16:13:00.000-04:00

The fall that my oldest child entered middle school, I trotted off to my first parent-teacher conference anxious to find out how he was doing. By this time, I was already somewhat shut off from his life. The monthly publishing parties in kindergarten had gradually waned and now I was lucky if I ever saw any school work -- be it writing, artwork, or anything else. He had breezed through elementary school -- despite warnings that 3rd grade was when the real work starts (when kids no longer learn to read, but rather read to learn), and then 4th grade (homework gets heavy and test prep becomes important), and then 5th grade (the struggle to get into a "good" middle school) -- never really working very hard to score excellent grades, although he was supposedly part of a "gifted" program. I feared that the transition to middle school -- with different teachers and classrooms for every subject and the looming distractions of adolescence -- might have tarnished his sterling grades. My first meeting with his humanities teacher put all of my fears to rest.

"He's doing fine," she told me, "There's really nothing we need to discuss."

I pressed her to name some weakness that he should be working on, some tiny fault that needed fixing.

"He's fine," she insisted. "What you really need to do is spend as much time enjoying his company as you can. Kids grow up so fast..."

It was good advice. His peer group has become increasingly important to him, his parents less so. Most of his free time is now spent with his friends and I am happy just to have him in the house (even if he's in his room with the door closed) whenever possible. Every now and then we'll have a long, philosophical discussion (most often on a school night when he is trying to stay up long past his bedtime). But mostly, I have to accept that he is speeding toward adulthood and independence.

I was reminded of my occasional longing for his younger self as I read another woman's fantasy for one more day with her kids when they were young. And yet, part of me revels in my kids' growing independence, not missing at all the diapers, the bottles, the temper tantrums and such that accompanied their youth. They are so knowledgeable and so fun to be around now!

Where to Go on Vacation

2011-08-07T17:59:00.000-04:00

Our family took a vacation in Montauk last month -- the perfect beach vacation spot, or so my husband and I thought. It was very low key. The first day was cool and foggy (and, remarkably, about 20 degrees cooler than it was in NYC) and we didn't do much more than take a walk on the beach and go out for dinner at a restaurants on the docks. Most other days were spent relaxing on the beach. The most energetic we got was fishing for fluke (I caught one!).

Turns out, this is not my kids' favorite kind of vacation. They are not really beach lovers and weren't crazy about hanging out at the hotel pool, either. In fact, much as they do at home, they spent a fair amount of time inside, reading, surfing and texting.

So later, we talked about what would make an ideal vacation in their opinion. I know from past experiences that they aren't big fans of city vacations, as I am. In the past, we've been to Toronto, London, Madrid -- and I've loved them all -- the restaurants, sightseeing, museums, everything. One of my favorite trips of all times was to Paris. And although I loved everything about our Australia trip, Sydney outweighed the Red Center and our beach resort, in my mind. Seeing Athens and Florence will always be high on my life list. Their response is that we live in a city, so visiting another one really isn't special to them.

They hold our trip to Yellowstone as the ultimate vacation. But while I'm a big fan of National Parks, I'd rather have a much more active trip than that vacation turned out to be. My recollection is that we spent a good portion of each day in the car -- one of my least favorite places to be. If we did more hiking (but no camping - good hotels and gourmet meals only!), I might have liked it better. And sadly, no one else in the family seems to like my idea of biking through Tuscany (with a van that carries our gear from high-end hotel to high-end hotel).

The one vacation we can all agree on? An African safari. It will be expensive -- but at least we will all be looking forward to it!

My Boy's Grown Up

2011-08-04T15:16:00.000-04:00

Everyone remarks about how mature and tall my 13-year old son has become. And he is. He's 5' 11" and likely to add even more inches in the next few years. As he's grown taller, he has also slimmed down, and his face has lost its roundness and become more manly.

But to me, one of the most surprising changes has been the change in his voice. He didn't undergo any sort of awkward transformation, but rather seemed to change over night. I hadn't noticed it until one day I got out of the shower and heard a man in my apartment. It was in the middle of the afternoon (I had just come back from a run) -- I knew my husband was at work and couldn't imagine who it was. The doorman hadn't buzzed me. What was going on??!! What a shock to discover that the deep voice belonged to my son!!

And then just like that, I got used to it, so that when I subsequently left a voicemail on his cellphone, I was surprised to hear the old little-boy voice that he had used to set up the voice-mailbox. And on his confirmation day at church, people remarked about his deep, deep voice, and I was surprised that they were surprised.

$5 Theatre Tickets via High 5

2011-07-15T16:36:00.000-04:00

Something to remember: parents/accompanying adults of students enrolled in grades 6-12 (and teens ages 13 to 18) can buy $5 tickets to the best of New York City dance, music, theater and visual arts events all year round. High 5 Tickets to the Arts is dedicated to making the arts affordable, and to purchase tickets, all you need is an interest in the arts, a school ID and $5. Each teen may buy one extra $5 ticket for an adult. Please Note: There must be a 1:1 ratio of teens:adults present at every High 5 event. So, if there is one adult there must be at least one teen, two adults, two teens... you get the idea. Visit their website http://www.high5tix.org/flash.html or call 212-453-9462.

Low Calorie Snacks

2011-07-14T17:45:00.000-04:00

I am always on the look-out for snacks that will please the kids (and me!!) without adding too many calories, too much salt, or too much of all the other bad stuff to our diet. I'm a big believer in fruit (this summer I've done lots of melon chunks, which have been a hit), nuts (especially almonds and pecans), and yogurt. The kids also like energy bars, like Zone and Clif bars. But sometimes we all have a yearning for something a little more decadent -- that still won't sabotage our attempts to eat well. Here are some ideas from Shape magazine:

Fiber One Chocolate Fudge Brownies
Weight Watchers Strawberry Fruit Bars
Breyers Smooth & Dreamy Chocolate Covered Strawberry Bars
Blue Diamond Butter Toffee Roasted Almonds (also available in dark chocolate)
Snackwell's Fudge Drizzled Caramel Popcorn

Why Education Is Life’s Most Valuable Investment

2011-07-12T12:30:00.000-04:00

As our family prepares to make a four-year investment in private high school for our older child (presumably with a similar investment for our younger child, plus a college education for both of them), it is worth reflecting on why I think that investing in education is the most valuable investment we can make. Here is my thinking:

Study after study shows that, on average, well-educated people are wealthier, healthier, and even happier than their less-educated counterparts, so in a land that was founded on “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” it makes sense that education has become life’s most valuable investment. Of course the value of education is important far beyond the U.S. as well – throughout the world, sending children to school is a proven way to help them overcome poverty, improve their nutrition, and raise their self-confidence.

Let’s look at the issue of wealth first. A recent study David Leonhardt described in The New York Times demonstrates clearly that college graduates make more money than people with only a high school diploma throughout their lives, even if they go on to hold jobs that don’t require a college degree. Furthermore, even in this current recession, they are less likely to be unemployed. And although rising tuition rates have made headlines, analysis by The Hamilton Project indicates that a $102,000 investment in a four-year college (including opportunity costs as well as tuition and other out-of-pocket costs) “yields a rate of return of 15.2 percent per year—more than double the average return over the last 60 years experienced in the stock market (6.8 percent), and more than five times the return to investments in corporate bonds (2.9 percent), gold (2.3 percent), long-term government bonds (2.2 percent), or housing (0.4 percent).” But even an investment in basic education makes a difference: illiteracy is closely tied to poverty throughout the world so once the literacy rate in a nation improves, the GDP generally does, too.

Improvements to health are closely tied to income levels. This makes sense: people with more money generally can provide themselves with better nutrition and better healthcare. And people who are better educated are also better at following doctor’s instructions, adapting to a healthy lifestyle, and avoiding risky behavior that would otherwise threaten their well-being.

In general, if you are rich and healthy, you are more likely to be satisfied with your life than if you are poor and sick – and on that basis alone, an investment in education is valuable. But education also provides intangibles that improve the quality of our lives. Mastering skills leads to self-confidence. Learning about the world outside our immediate community helps open our eyes to a variety of choices. Studying the past can help us imagine a different future. Becoming fluent in another language helps us connect with other cultures. The wonders of science open our minds to all kinds of possibilities. And exposure to art, music, and literature brings joy to our hearts. It is these intangibles, I believe, that provide the real payback of a good education.

Investing in education does more than just improve the mind. Education’s strong correlation to a better income means that education also improves the body. And because of education’s intangible benefits, it also improves one’s chances of happiness. So to my way of thinking, an investment in education is truly an investment that covers one’s mind, body and (for lack of a better word) soul. Truly, it is an investment worth making.

Note: this essay won 2nd place in TutoringMatch.com's essay contest. To see more, click here.

A Reunion - For Moms

2011-07-11T18:44:00.000-04:00

I'm going to a mini-reunion of moms from my older son's elementary school. These kids are now entering high school and so haven't been together in class for years, but it is delightful to see these women -- all of whom I consider wonderful friends. We'll have a glass of wine, laugh at this and that, and share pix of our kids -- what could be more fun?

2011-07-10T21:17:00.000-04:00

There has been a flurry of media coverage related to the forthcoming Harry Potter film, the last in a series tied to J.K. Rowling's amazing books. Of all that I've seen, I especially enjoyed the piece in the Wall Street Journal this weekend because it reminded me of all the joy the books have brought to my boys and me.

I originally bought a set of the first four books as a gift for my niece. But turns out that she already had them, so I put them away for a time when my kids would be old enough for them. My older son discovered my stash when we moved to a new home when he was about four years old. He recognized them right away and asked me to read them to him, which I did. We both fell in love with Rowling's creations immediately.

I've probably read the first five books in the series four or five times out loud. My older son adored them and I have memories of being all kinds of places -- at home, on planes, in restaurants -- as I read to him. We had already been through these books several times before we saw the first movie on dvd. We enjoyed the movies -- certainly they couldn't possibly include all the charming and intricate details of the books, especially as the tomes got longer and longer -- but I thought they were a fair representation. We actually went to see one of the later movies with a child who hadn't read any of the books and I remember feeling sorry for him -- he had missed so much!

For a long time, Harry Potter was something special that my older son and I shared. We even went to our local Barnes & Noble for one of those midnight parties the night that the last book came out. It was a magical evening -- we saw dozens of his school friends there, plus teachers and other folks we knew who wanted in on the experience. We even won a basket full of HP paraphrenalia -- a wand, glasses and such -- in a special giveaway promotion -- such fun!

For many years, my younger son wasn't interested in Harry Potter. He watched the movies with his brother, of course, but he never really wanted me to read them to him. And then at some point, he started to read them to himself and got hooked. So it was him that I took twice to see the 7th movie (the 2nd time we saw the opening sequence in 3D) -- my older son was towards the end of middle school at that point and wasn't so interested.

Like many others, I feel as if an era is ending with the release of the 8th movie. I'll see it, of course, but perhaps not the first day, as with so many of the others. I'll miss the magic!

Get Your Game On!

2011-07-09T05:52:00.024-04:00

You can tell a lot about people by how they play a game. The extremely competitive try forcefully to win, the laid-back remain relaxed about the whole thing, and those with an unethical streak invariably show their colors.

I was reminded of this last weekend during a family game of Monopoly. Our family typically relies heavily on negotiations to make the game move along. I've been impressed with the range of imaginative ideas that have come up. Our trades involve money and property, of course, but also future rents, "get out of jail free" cards, loans, and even promises not to sell a specific property to another player.

But there has always been a sense of fairness. Is there some degree of the losers teaming up against the likely winner? Sure, but never in a shady way. And a deal is always a deal -- there is never any question that someone will keep their word... until we played with an uncle who tried to get someone to renege on a promise that he didn't like. I was appalled -- this is the example he was providing to his nephews?? So sad.

An Average Day

2011-06-23T11:38:00.000-04:00

According to a study reported in The Wall Street Journal this morning, the average American's 24-hour day breaks down like this:

Sleep - 8 hours, 23 minutes (up 5 minutes since 2007)
Work - 4 hours, 24 minutes (down 25 minutes)
TV - 2 hours, 31 minutes (up 5 minutes)
Leisure & sports (includes computer time) - 2 hours, 9 minutes (up 1 minute)
Eating/drinking - 1 hour, 12 minutes (up 1 minute)
Household chores - 1 hour, 41 minutes (down 1 minute)
Personal care - 49 minutes (up 3 minutes)
Shopping - 43 minutes (down 2 minutes)
Education - 36 minutes (up 4 minutes)
Caring for household members - 32 minutes (down 2 minutes)
Other activities - 21 minutes (up 10 minutes)
Civic & religious activities - 16 minutes (same)
Caring for non-household members - 12 minutes (up 1 minute)
Phone/mail/email - 11 minutes (down 1 minute)

The study including folks 15 and older, including retirees, so obviously this is a very varied group. And it appears that all the respondents have lots of sleeping and tv watching in common! I was amazed that in this day of the internet, the TV category so strongly led all other leisure choices (it certainly doesn't in my house!). I was also surprised that the "caring for non-household members" is so high - I've got to believe this is completely reflective of children taking care of their parents, which tells me that for the people who are doing it, it is amazingly time-consuming.

4th Grade Poetry

2011-06-23T08:44:00.000-04:00

I just have to share these poems that recently made it home as my 4th grader's teacher does her end-of-the-year classroom clean-up:

FOOTBALL
The grass, green and short
players getting their gear on:
football!

The ball soaring through the air
defying gravity with every spin:
incredible!

Players sprinting towards the ball
or off to do something else:
organized chaos.

It's football.

MY LUCKY DAY
Today is my lucky day:
My alarm clock went astray.
Now I get to show up late for school;
And now I really want to jump in the pool.
Today was the best -
I feel very blessed.
And the day's nearly done;
Now I can have some fun.
But now I have to do homework.
Man, I'm really out of work.
But I really don't have to fret...
I can just go on the Internet!

MY BROTHER B.
B. my borther
You help me with my poems
But not give away all the answers
B. my brother
You know what to do
Even when my reasoning has gone askew
B. my brother
You've set the standard so high
To compare I'll have to reach the sky
My brother B.

FOOTBALL
Smashing
Crashing
Mashing
Bashing
That's just what we do
When we play football
We'll play day and night
Doing monkey-crawls and up-downs
Yet once we get back to warmth and light
We'll act like crazy clowns
When we wake up in the morning we're all stiff and sore
Weird how it doesn't stop us
When we go out thte door
It's amazing how we never stop
Until we're all at the top

Divorce 2011-Style

2011-06-22T12:59:00.000-04:00

I have a friend who is divorcing her husband after many years of struggling to make things work. He's an alcoholic, and apparently gets mean and sometimes violent when he drinks. They've been separated for a couple years now, but have put off the formal divorce proceedings for practical reasons -- the difficulty in splitting assets since the one big thing they own is their house -- and perhaps also because of fear of the final split and all that means emotionally for the couple and their two kids.

Knowing that their marriage has been rocky for quite some time, I was surprised at the depth of emotion that arose as we talked about their situation. She expressed a sense of personal failure, real regret that somehow she was unable to make the marriage succeed, the idea that she was to blame. I was amazed. And it broke my heart.

After all these years of easy, no-fault divorce, I thought that the stigma was gone. But apparently my friend isn't the only one who's experienced these feelings. There was an article in Sunday's NY Times entitled "How Divorce Lost Its Groove" which explores the new social and emotional landscape of upper middle class divorce. Once again women are being blamed when relationships don't work, despite all the evidence that a good divorce is almost always better for everyone involved than a bad marriage. So depressing...

Father's Day

2011-06-20T14:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's Father's Day celebration had the slightest tinge of sadness as I realized that I would never again be calling my own dad to wish him happiness on his day. But overall, the day was a really good one. We had given my husband his gifts in advance -- if for no other reason than the big one was tickets to the Mets game yesterday. Very little was surprising to him -- he bought the tickets and the book we gave him himself and although the other big ticket item - cuff links - was something I chose, they were among items he had requested. He also mapped out the events of the weekend, so there wasn't much that I felt we really did for him.

But it was a pleasant weekend. The family played golf together on Saturday, saw the Mets (lose) on Sunday, and ate at my husband's favorite spots. All three boys had baseballs autographed -- something we've attempted before but were not successful at in the past, so that was definitely a highlight. We had good seats, which came with access to a VIP section of food and restaurants -- a real pleasure since we mostly see games from the upper tiers, surrounded by the stench and stickiness of stale beer. And then later at home, my husband relaxed and watched the Masters golf tournament, which was fun for him.

Marring the warm, fuzzy feelings of the weekend was a confrontation between our older son and my husband about the living room tv. Both our sons are video-game obsessed and have worked out a deal between themselves for shared use of the videogames, tv and computer. When I intercede to watch something I'm interested in, I generally fit my viewing into their schedule -- warning them in advance of my desire for some screen time. Not so my husband. He has a bit of the old "head of household" feeling, that everyone else should somehow defer to his desires. And when he asserts this authority, the kids are understandably upset. They react with anger, in turn my husband does the same, and predictably, it never turns out well.

Last night, my husband held his temper against our son and retreated to our bedroom to watch Law & Order. I had my son apologize, but it took long enough that my husband had stewed in his resentment for a while and worked himself into quite a lather. He takes all of these incidents so personally, seemingly believing that the kids' selfishness and lack of gratitude is a reflection of how they feel about him, rather than acknowledging that 10 year olds and 13 year olds are just naturally selfish and self-centered. Parenting is hard -- parents get no thanks at the time of the work and the sacrifices -- we just have to hope that if we do it all well enough now, the recognition and thanks will come later.

And speaking of selfishness, it is hard not to continually blame my husband's difficulty in the role of father on the inadequacies of his own father. My father-in-law epitomized selfishness -- he never hid the fact that DH was an "accident" of menopause, and essentially insisted that his fathering was over -- he had already done the coaching of Little League and such for DH's older brothers and refused to do it again. When forced to choose between DH and a scheming 2nd wife, he chose the women (in a marriage that lasted less than 9 months). Until the day he died, he made ridiculous and foreseeable financial mistakes -- and DH rescued him from each and every one. DH never got the recognition he deserved in that relationship either -- all the more difficult because an adult should know better. It is hard even today for me not to be astonished that DH persisted in wanting a warm relationship with this man who didn't deserve any relationship at all.

But I digress...

There is no doubt in my mind that modern parenting is hard. The balance between being too authoritative and too much of a friend is a tough one to find. DH and I are struggling to find our way. With luck, we'll look back on future Father's Days and believe that it was all well worth the effort.

Marriage Tune-Up

2011-06-18T00:03:00.003-04:00

Both DH and I grew up in families in which marriages lasted a long time. DH's parents had already been together about two decades by the time his was born and they lasted about two more before his mom died of cancer. My parents were well past their 50th wedding anniversary before my father's death separated them. And while both marriages suffered their low points -- my parents bickered more and more the older they got; DH's mother seemed to have hidden money away in secret bank accounts and there were murmurs that she wasn't always happy with her husband -- our parents generally seemed satisfied with their unions.

It is, perhaps because of these models of marriage that DH and I struggled a bit when we encountered turbulent waters of our own. I pin the change in our relationship to the arrival of our beautiful munchkins. Caring for little ones is exhausting, stressful, and never-ending. To make matters worse, when our first child was but a baby, DH took on a new job that required considerably longer hours and lots of travel. Childcare and household chores had never been shared equally, but with his new responsibilities, he pitched in even less. Ultimately, it felt like his only contribution to family life was his paycheck.

For many months we had weekly meetings with a marriage counselor in an attempt to get back on track, but we left each session more angry with each other than we had been before. Our fights would last for hours. Round and round we'd go. I'd cry. He'd cry. It seemed we couldn't find a way to understand each other. It was awful.

Eventually we gave up on the therapist and used the money that would otherwise have gone to a gripe session for a hotel room instead. We reached a detente and vowed to plow on.
But still, we don't always have the passion or the fun that we used to in the years before we had kids. We don't fight as much as we did for a while, but we don't always connect either. And so I eagerly read articles for tips and tricks for repairing our relationship. A recent issue of Elle had an article by Louisa Kamps called "It's The Little Things" that made some sense to me. She refers to How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Steven Stosny and Patricia Love, which blames misunderstandings between the sexes on men's tendency to fight (criticize) or flee (tune out the bothersome talk) when they feel stressed and inadequate about a relationship; while women talk more (often increasingly angrily) when their husbands criticize them or tune them out (and so a vicious circle is begun). The cure? Six 6-second hugs per day plus more affection at four key times: first thing in the morning, before leaving home, upon returning in the evening, and before sleep.

Kamps also found good ideas in Five Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great by Terri L. Orbuch, which encourages couples to set aside 10 minutes each day to talk about anything other than kids, work, and household tasks/responsibilities.

She closes with a quote from James V. Cardova, author of The Marriage Checkup, who says, "You and your partner are engaged in and endeavor that at its heart is constantly changing and will constantly change for the rest of your lives... So the only way to relate, the only way to be truly intimate, is to pay attention."

Update: since DH and I are both MBAs, perhaps it is fitting that the Redbook article "5 Business Strategies That Can Strengthen Your Marriage" caught my eye. Here's the gist:
1) Know Your 5 VIPs - the 5 top things that you need from your spouse. Share the list. If all 5 things are generally being met, you'll realize it is easier to let the little stuff slide.
2) Think 4-to-1, that is, motivate the behavior you want by delivering 4 positive messages for every negative one.
3) Don't send your duck to eagle school. Your relationship will be more successful if you focus on matching responsibilities to appropriate skill sets.
4) Conduct a 360 degree review. Look at your relationship from a different perspective.
5) Win the client. Doing so takes some effort -- and so does keeping your spouse happy.

Another helpful article: Marriage Rules.

Why Am I So Angry?

2011-06-10T21:05:00.000-04:00

Lately I find that I am easily annoyed by the people around me. Not so much my friends and family, but complete strangers. Like people in Central Park on bikes who ride in the runners' lane. And people with dogs that misbehave. And people who walk slowly, or walk three abreast thereby blocking the sidewalk, or stop to talk -- get out of my way, all of you!

I've got to take a chill pill about all of this -- it just isn't worth it to get all heated up about little things!

Making Time for Friends

2011-06-07T22:07:00.000-04:00

My older son has always gone to school in the neighborhood. Both his elementary school and middle school were well within walking distance from our apartment, and the high school he will attend next year is also. When he was younger, it was easy for him to play with friends after school -- we'd simply head out to the schoolyard where everyone gathered for pick-up games and such. Now that he can travel around by himself, it is easy for him to visit friends who live nearby.

My younger son has a different situation. His school is across town and he goes back and forth by school bus every day. Setting up playdates for him is a bit more complicated, and involves some planning and traveling on my part. So despite my best intentions, it doesn't happen as often. I try to make sure he gets to hang out with one of his friends at least once a week, but to be honest, he probably averages every other week at best. True, he attends an after school sports program at his his school every Thursday to make sure he gets some face time with friends -- but that only includes a few other kids he likes to hang out with.

I also have to make an effort for myself to make sure I have time with friends. I feel a little guilty when I go to lunch or a museum with a girlfriend -- it is an indulgence to be sure. But it is a necessary one -- and something I need to continue to make a priority.

12 Things I Can't Live Without

2011-06-01T21:55:00.000-04:00

The color blue.
Chocolate.
Mozart's Clarinet Concerto.
The smell of lilacs.
Hugs from my three boys.
Cashmere.
A big oaky chardonnay.
New York City.
The Internet.
A regular run.
Plenty of sleep.
Sinful delight coffee w/half and half.

Fathers and Sons

2011-05-27T11:48:00.000-04:00

When my husband and I first talked about having children together, he kidded me that if I handled the early years -- all the diapers, middle-of-night feedings, etc., then he would handle all the angst of the teenage years. Of course I don't think that either of us really expected that it would turn out that way.

Having babies and toddlers around was much more exhausting than I ever expected it to be. My boys have always seemed to need less sleep than I do and had boundless energy. With my husband traveling all the time, and when home either jet-lagged or at the office, it turns out that I did end up doing most of the parenting all by myself in those days. I was always tired and often overwhelmed. My kids were naturally curious and questioned everything -- including my authority (and everyone else's). While I love that they are great thinkers with a strong sense of self, I will confess that I lost my temper with them way more than I would have liked.

Over time, I think I have developed an appropriate level of patience with my kids. As they have become pre-teens and teenagers, I realize that their sullenness and even anger toward me isn't personal. I remember this time in my life very well and I am determined to treat them with respect and with dignity.

Lately, we've had a few situations that reminded me of the angst and turmoil of this age bracket. The revelation that my older son has a girlfriend and lied about sneaking off to see her was the first source of tension. Shortly thereafter, I inadvertently found his stash of condoms (he's only 13!) which lead to more worried conversation. And then last night there was a blow-up between my older son and my husband which ended up with an ugly and horrifying physical confrontation.

It has become clear that just as I struggled with the early years, which I had so confidently believed would be a breeze, my husband is struggling with the volatility and moodiness that can define adolescence. It is going to take some time to work things out. But as I have been reminding my husband, we must always remember that we are the adults. We must take the high road. We can't take things personally. And we must love unconditionally and always be ready to forgive.

Goodbye Fran

2011-05-17T15:55:00.000-04:00

My sister called me today with news that her friend Fran had passed away suddenly from a stroke, which appears to be the result of dehydration brought on from meds she was taking for intestinal trouble. She had been at lunch when the stroke started; by the next day she was dead. Fran leaves behind a loving husband, grown children, and a grandchild she adored who is probably too young to remember her. She was a good friend and a fantastic writer.

My sister has taken the loss of her friend hard. Part of it is losing a peer - although she and I faced the death of our grandmothers and more recently, our dad, these were elderly people who had had time to prepare for old age and inevitable mortality. And part of it is facing the idea that the grim reaper can strike at any time -- we do not know the day or the hour -- and so we may not have as much time as we think to achieve our hopes and dreams. When we were growing up, tomorrow was always another day, and so it is kind of hard to accept that maybe, it won't be.

My Son Has a Girlfriend

2011-05-12T15:00:00.000-04:00

I always wanted to have a different kind of relationship with my kids than my mom did with me. At some point, fairly early on I think, I stopped telling my mom about anything that really mattered to me. I'm not sure exactly why this happened, but my recollection is that I felt that she would be disapproving of some things and not really interested in others. I was surprised, then, when I discovered that my college roommate told her mother everything -- they didn't talk on the phone perfunctorily as I did with my parents, but spent hours discussing school life, clothes, and even boys. To me, it was almost unthinkable.

While I never expected to have that level of intimacy with my sons, I have always been hopeful that they would feel free to discuss anything and everything with me. So it was extremely disconcerting to learn in sort of a roundabout way, that my son has a girlfriend. Here's how it happened: I've been at home the last couple of days with my younger son who is struggling with a really bad cold bug. So my schedule is a bit off. Mostly I run in the mornings, but yesterday I didn't run until around 4 pm. As I headed out, I came across my older son's school track team. He's on the team but he wasn't with him and one of his friends on the team was more than a little noncommittal about why he wasn't at track. (My son and I have had this discussion before and he's not allowed to randomly skip track -- he made a commitment to the team and he's supposed to honor it.) Anyway, when I confronted him with this, first he lied to me (big mistake!) and then he admitted that he was with his girlfriend. (!) He's not been forthcoming with any more details, which wounds me almost as much as the not-knowing in the first place and the bald lie.

So he's being grounded for the lie and my husband had "the talk" with him last night. But I fear that things are no different between him and us than they were with me and my parents. Was I wrong to expect more?

Hoarding

2011-05-10T16:59:00.002-04:00

I've blogged before about my mom's tendency to hold on to lots and lots of stuff (see True Materialism and Accumulation and Its Discontents). Now that my dad is gone, I have a nagging worry that things will get worse. Although he professed to save everything, even "string that's too short to save," he really didn't. His world -- his print shop and carpentry shop -- were always neat and well organized, while the house -- my mother's domain -- well, not so much. For example, I never knew him to hold on to piles of magazines just because there might be something worth rereading one day, like my mom does. And unlike my mom, he didn't keep old clothes that he no longer wore (when they moved, she had oodles of dresses from her single days, despite being married for more than 50 years). In fact he was a man of such few possessions that even my mom who is notoriously reluctant to get rid of things was able to dispose of all of his stuff within weeks of his death.

I got some insight into my mom's hoarding tendencies when I attended a lecture on the topic given by Randy Frost last week. He talked about the connection to perfectionism -- hoarders are often afraid they will make the wrong choice when deciding what to get rid of, and so their default becomes saving everything. And like my mother, many hoarders use a hobby or craft as an excuse to collect extra flotsam and jetsam (for my mother, it is her miniatures that require her to have vast amounts of fabric, buttons and other notions, old egg cartons, broken jewelry, bits and pieces of wood, etc.).

Let's be clear: in the nine-panel photo series of what a hoarder's home looks like, my mom's place is probably still in the top row in terms of clutter, which is to say, she is still considered normal. I'll have to be honest though, that I could barely distinguish the difference between the photos in the last row. It seems to me to be a real fine distinction between clutter that is an inch from the ceiling and clutter that touches the ceiling. As one of the attendees noted, once all flat surfaces are cluttered, the room is basically not livable since there is no place to sit, prepare and eat a meal, or otherwise carry out the normal functions of daily living.

Dr. Frost talked about the ways that hoarders are different from so many of the rest of us, including their need to see their stuff; to organize things spatially, rather than, say topically; and the way that most of them ultimately value possessions more than people, despite their assertions to the contrary. These last two characteristics really struck home with me. I recall that once I visited my mom at a time when brooches were all the rage. She had a huge collection of them which she never wore and apparently intended to use with her "minis." I set a couple aside -- and before I could ask her about them, she raged at my sister for taking them. Apparently just a quick glance at her stuff told her they were missing (I never would have guessed she could have noticed, since she has thousands of tiny items).

Around the same time, when my niece was interested in dollhouses, she asked my mom if she could have one of my mom's minis for her own dollhouse. Mom refused, in what became but one example of how she can't share her stuff, even with the people she loves. (Who can imagine a grandmother who doesn't want to spoil her beautiful, golden-curled granddaughter?)

The only time I've ever seen my mom really mad at and disappointed in my older sister was during a yardsale my sister was holding. J. was selling off a variety of household items, including, it turned out, some silver-plate trays and things that had once belonged to my grandmother. They weren't remarkable items and J. had priced them quite reasonably to make them tempting to buyers. I had hardly noticed them as I helped with the yardsale, despite the fact that I'm sure I had probably seen them many times before (I had cleaned my grandmother's apartment for years). I was even in the room when my mom gave these things to my sister, after my grandmother passed away. But I didn't recognize them -- they looked like the kind of ordinary silver trays that caterers often use. My mother, of course, knew where they came from. My mom had given the trays to my sister many years before because she didn't want them herself. And yet she couldn't bear to have my sister part with them.

Update: A New York Times article called "It's Time to Say Goodbye to All That Stuff" based on the book The Hoarder in You: How to Live a Happier, Healthier Uncluttered Life by Robin Zasio makes similar points about the emotion needs involved in acquiring and holding on to stuff.

Thanks to Mom

2011-05-01T22:11:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of things that we inherit from our parents (and pass on to our kids). Sometimes it is a relief to know that there is nothing that can be done to change the course of nature. But just as often, it is frustrating to think we can't make an impact on things we wish were different.

For example, even at my skinniest, I've never had a flat belly. Not as a kid. Not as a crunch-obsessed teenager. Not before I had two kids. Not ever. So it should be comforting to read that "how your abs look has a lot to do with your genes, how lean you are, how long your torso is and how tall you are" (or at least so says RealBeauty.com). And for a while, I gave up on ab exercise. But now I'm thinking I'll get back into it. I may never have a flat belly. But certainly it could be thinner than it is now!

My chronic black under-eye circles (always there, even if I'm well-rested) are apparently another gift from mom. I use under-eye concealer and am thinking of checking into more radical fixes -- why not just take the plunge and improve something that's always bothered me?

Getting Out of My Slump

2011-03-09T17:00:00.000-05:00

I like the tips included in the piece describing 7 Secrets of High-Energy People - I freely admit that my life needs more passion and joy and less guilt and hang-wringing.

21 Pieces, 51 Looks

2011-03-02T20:33:00.001-05:00

Redbook recently published an article indicating that using what you already have in your wardrobe, plus just 8 additional pieces (at a cost of $200), you can have 51 new looks. As one of the many women with lots of clothes and accessories (but nothing to wear), I wondered about this. This notion of "different looks" is one that my favorite show, What Not to Wear, is a big proponent of also, and so I'm curious as to what really constitutes a "different look" in these stylists' minds. So here's what I found:

The basic pieces we are all assumed to own are:

a litle black dress
black pants
a blue button down shirt
strappy high-heeled sandals
a print sundress
a patterned short-sleeved top (with tie top)
a white tank
blue jeans
khaki pants
a solid cardigan (redish color)
a brightly colored T shirt (pink)
black pumps
flat sandals

The new pieces to get for the spring are:

striped, nautical-theme long sleeve T
black belt
patterned flats
light blue A-line skirt
black/white Chanel-type jacket
red short-sleeved button-front blouse
multi-colored scarf
white jeans

The outfits (organized by what's on the bottom) are:

blue jeans, white tank, black/white jacket, high-heeled sandals,
blue jeans, blue button-down, black/white jacket, black belt, black pumps
blue jeans, pink T, covered by blue shirt, covered by cardigan, flats
blue jeans, patterned top, cardigan, high-heeled sandals
blue jeans, patterned top, black pumps
blue jeans, patterned top, black/white jacket
blue jeans, striped T, scarf at neck
blue jeans, striped T, scarf at neck, cardigan, patterned flats
blue jeans, blue button-down, scarf at neck
blue jeans, white tank under red blouse, patterned flats
white jeans, striped T, black belt
white jeans, striped T under blue button-down, black belt, black pumps
white jeans, pink T, red blouse, scarf at neck
white jeans, pink T, cardigan, scarf as belt
white jeans, pink T, black belt, black/white jacket
white jeans, patterned top, black/white jacket, high-heeled sandals
white jeans, blue button-down, scarf, flat sandals
khakis, blue shirt, black/white jacket
khakis, blue shirt, scarf as belt, patterned flats
khakis, white tank, red blouse belted with scarf, flat sandals
khakis, striped T, cardigan knotted at waist, high-heeled sandals
khakis, striped T, flat sandals
khakis, pink T, scarf at neck, flat sandals
khakis, red blouse, cardigan, high-heeled sandals
khakis, red blouse, black/white jacket, patterned flats
khakis, patterned top, black/white jacket, black pumps
black pants, striped T, cardigan tied like scarf at shoulders, high-heeled sandals
black pants, striped T, blue button-down open under black/white jacket, patterned flats
black pants, white tank under red blouse, black pumps
black pants, patterned top
black pants, red blouse
black pants, pink T, cardigan, scarf at knotted as necklace
sundress with red short-sleeved blouse tied at waist, patterned flats
sundress with cardigan, high-heeled sandals
sundress with black/white jacket, black pumps
sundress over striped T, flat sandals
sundress over pink T, high-heeled sandals
sundress with blue button-down, open but belted w/black belt, black pumps
black dress with cardigan and scarf tied at neck
black dress with scarf tied at waist
black dress over blue button-down
black dress over striped T
black dress over patterned top, black/white jacket, high-heeled sandals
blue skirt w/pink T and scarf
blue skirt w/blue button-down and scarf
blue skirt, patterned top, black belt, black pumps
blue skirt, red blouse, black/white jacket
blue skirt, white tank under cardigan, high-heeled sandals
blue skirt, striped T, cardigan tied at neck
blue skirt, scarf tied as halter top
scarf as sarong with black belt, white tank, cardigan, flat sandals

So the bottom line is that I agree that you can get lots of outfits out of these pieces. But I think that throwing on a jacket or cardi and calling it an entirely new out fit really pushes the definition of "outfit" when all the other elements are the same. And I'm not sure that the last two uses of the scarf really count either since there is no mention of what's underneath for modesty's sake.

August 2011 update: for a similar Redbook story, but with Fall clothing, click here.

My Hometown: New York City

2011-02-02T12:53:00.000-05:00

Every time I've run across Family Circle's "My Hometown" column, I'm tempted to write in about how great it is to raise a family in NYC. Turns out that I don't have to: someone has already done it for me. And while I live in a different neighborhood than the author of the piece, we have much in common: I also met my husband while in college in Massachusetts, and moved to NYC believing it would be a brief stop before heading to the suburbs. But now I can't imagine living anywhere else.

I love that the NYC skyline is full of famous icons like the Empire State Building (with lights that change for special occasions, like holidays and Jets' victories) and the Chrysler Building (and yes, my family has visited many of the usual tourist sites). I love the fabulous food markets NY has - close to me is the Vinegar Factory, an Upper East Side staple. And I love the parks - including Central Park, the Hudson River Park, and the East River Esplanade, all of which I run through regularly.

And like the author, I enjoyed The Complete Works of William Shakespeare at the New Victory Theater last year and am constantly on the lookout for great Broadway bargains.

Children's Artwork

2011-01-27T12:23:00.001-05:00

I love my kids' artwork. From the moment they could color, draw, paint and paste, I've cherished their creations. Of course I'm not kidding myself: they are not amazing child prodigies and I don't expect that crayon-colorings they made at age 5 will someday be museum-worthy. But I have always loved the way their artwork expresses their thoughts and passions. I was equally entranced by my older son's Yu-gi-oh drawings and my younger son's scuba-diver scribblings. Their creations showed me what fascinated them at the moment.

For several years, I used the long hallway in our apartment as a sort of art gallery. Using frames from Pottery Barn that allowed easy access so I could update the artwork on display often, I would choose the best of their current works for display. I especially loved the annual self-portraits that each child produced in art class.

In time though, the kids became wary of having their artwork on display. Perhaps they found it embarrassing when their friends came over... I'm not really sure. Toward the end of his elementary-school years, my older son and I tussled over a wonderfully imaginative rendering of numbers and letters that had personal significance to him. It was abstract and wonderful watercolor, but it also had several hearts worked in and I think he felt it wasn't masculine enough. We compromised by me hanging it on the back of my office door where only I could enjoy it. Several months later, he destroyed a self-portrait rather than allow me to display it.

So that was the end. Since the art gallery was meant to be a celebration of my kids, it certainly didn't make sense to continue to hang works that they didn't want seen. Now the "gallery" is filled with photographs that show them doing what they love -- playing sports or meeting prominent NYC sports personalities. And I've culled my collections of their creative works and keep them in two portfolios safely tucked away in the hall closet. I no longer am inundated with their output; instead at the end of the school year, they bring home a few works that they really spent time on, and we carefully pack them away together.

So all of you who read today's NY Times articles (see Mom, You're One Tough Art Critic, Reclaiming Your Refrigerator: Ideas for Displaying Children’s Art and The Non-Nurturing Approach to Children's Art), don't worry. Most kids grow out of the prolific art producing phases -- and when they do, you'll miss it!

In addition to buying ready-made frames, or taking artwork to the frame shop for professional mounting, or the ever-faithful posting on the fridge, there are scores of ways to celebrate your kids' creations. If you are into DIY projects, try this one from Good Housekeeping: paint a few canvases a single color to unify the collection. Then cut pieces of corrugated cardboard (from a box headed for the recycling bin) so that each fits snugly in the back of a canvas, and tape inside — this will give pins something to stick into. Hang canvases on the wall, and tack artwork on with pushpins.

NYC Kids and NYC Dogs

2011-01-12T21:40:00.000-05:00

My teenage son was bit by a dog. The incident was serious enough that I took him to the doctor to be checked out. Thankfully, the thick fabric of his jeans saved him from any serious injury and he had had a recent tetanus shot, so he was ok.

The most upsetting thing about the whole thing was the way that the dog's owner reacted. She completely denied that her yapping pooch had tried to take a chunk out of my son's leg. When he and his friends insisted, she picked up her dog and ran away. My son reported the situation to his school (he had been out on lunch break at the time it occurred), and they, in return, alerted me and the NYPD.

To their credit, the police officers followed up by phone several days later to make sure all was ok. If it appeared that the dog was rabid or we had known about multiple occurances, they would have worked to find the dog (the kids took phone photos of the dog and its cowardly owner) and have it destroyed.

Some time later, my husband was in Central Park on a Saturday morning with the baseball team he coaches. The fields weren't open yet, so the kids were playing in a grassy area ajacent to the Great Lawn. Out of nowhere, a man appeared ranting about how the area was for dogs only and the kids had to leave. My husband noted that there was no signage indicating that this was a dog run, which the man acknowledged, saying that the dog-only use was traditional at this time of day, and insisted that the kids had to leave. How ridiculous! By his manner and his use of foul language (even once he was reminded that he was ranting in front of young, sensitive ears!), he was clearly in some sort of insane rage, so the team left to practice elsewhere.

Of course the problem in both cases is the owner. Kids and dogs generally have an affinity for one another -- but curiously, these canines seem not to be encouraged to be playful and fun with kids.

Managing Your Legacy

2011-01-10T22:58:00.001-05:00

Two articles I read from this weekend's newspapers, dealt in one way or another, with the desire to manage your legacy; to take ownership of what you create and leave behind in this world.

The first, called Why Chinese Mothers are Superior in the Wall Street Journal, contrasted two styles of parenting - what the author called Chinese mothering vs Western parenting. Her thesis is that by making all decisions for their kids and strictly enforcing behaviors that make their kids the top students in their classes, Chinese parents raise offspring who are "stereotypically successful." She concludes that this is done to "protect their children... preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away." But I would argue that having parents define what "success" is (straight As, success at music or violin, but not excelling at sports, high school plays, or pursuing other interests) is really just a way of turning out "mini-me's" -- and is in no way preparing kids for a happy or fulfilled life. The author describes her role as a parent as "making sacrifices" for her kids, but it seems as though she is more interested in making sure that her daughters reflect well on her - providing her with status and a legacy of success - rather than doing what I see as the role of parenting, that is, nurturing children and then setting them free in the world to find their own way,

The second, Cyberspace When You’re Dead in the New York Times, was all about how to plan for the continuance (or not) of your online self when you're dead and no longer posting. There are issues of who gets the last word, of course, but of even greater concern is what gets saved and what disappears into cyberspace.

Both cases seem to revolve around issues of planning and control. How much do you want to direct what might happen in the future? How much are you prepared to let go?

Happy Birthday, Dad

2010-12-04T07:22:00.001-05:00

Today would have been my dad's 88th birthday. I miss him.

I was thinking recently about the linolium block prints he used to make and use as Christmas cards. His skill as a graphic artist impressed me even when I was a kid (and now as an adult, I'm completely in awe of his talent). When my mom asked me about things of his that I might like to have, I wish I had remembered to mention these.

Headaches

2010-11-22T14:10:00.000-05:00

My younger son suffers from headaches. This is a fairly recent phenomenon of the last two years or so, but still... it seems unusal for an elementary school child to be plagued by the types of stress that so often cause this malady.

We've had his vision tested; I've taken him to a sinus specialist; and I make sure he drinks plenty of water so that he is not dehydrated. None of these possible causes seem to be at the root of the problem. My husband gets occasional migraines - could genetics be the cause? No one seems to know.

He's not in unbearable pain, but he does suffer some discomfort and is home from school today. And so I worry...

25 Random Facts About Me

2010-11-15T17:03:00.000-05:00

My favorite color is blue.
I have a twin sister.
I collect blue and white porcelain.
I own 65 pairs of shoes.
I've had grey hairs since I was 25.
I am writing a novel about a hostage situation.
I love all kinds of chocolate.
I didn't become addicted to coffee until I started running regularly.
My favorite Starbucks drink is a tall skim lite-whip mocha.
My fingers and toes get cold easily.
I like to cook.
I've lived in NYC since 1989.
My childhood dog was a cocker spaniel.
At one time or another, I played clarinet, oboe, flute, saxophone and violin.
I love to sing.
My favorite museum is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
I ran the NYC marathon in 2008.
My first job after college was in Bloomingdale's training program.
I am always trying to lose weight.
I like red lipstick.
I could sleep for days.
I hate to vacuum and to empty the dishwasher.
I watch What Not to Wear whenever I can.
DH and I loved watching Lost together - and we have yet to find a new show to replace it in our hearts.
I can't wait for the new Harry Potter movie.

Thinking of Dad...

2010-11-09T17:22:00.001-05:00

The condolence card from one of my cousins reads:

Your dad was such a good hearted man and so much fun to be around. I'll never forget all the stories he use to tell when we were kids or the fun times that we had with him.

And it is his stories that I will miss the most. It isn't just his WWII tales, the basis of the book we were writing together and that I wish I had worked harder to finish before he died; rather it was the way that he organized his life into funny anecdotes. In later years, my mom would get annoyed that he would tell the same stories again and again, but they were the way he defined his life -- into amusing sequences, frequently with a punch line.

Another card had a quotation that I especially liked:

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.

One Bright Day...

2010-11-05T07:06:00.000-04:00

Just as annoying as a song you can't get out of your head, is poem or refrain that just keeps coming top of mind. Right now I'm stuck on a silly poem I learned as a child:

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two blind boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man; he saw it, too.

In looking for the source of this verse, I found out that it is actually a folk poem with many variations. You can see a longer version and some commentary by clicking here.

Accumulation and its Discontents

2010-11-04T13:03:00.002-04:00

An article in today's NY Times touches on the "central tension of American life -- the desire to acquire and the subsequent inability to dispossess." While I'm well aware of my own tendencies to collect too much stuff (for evidence, see the lists of my embarrassingly large collection of clothes, shoes, and jewelry), I do try, often, to weed out extra possessions, which are then given to charity, so that someone else can benefit from them. Doing so is a necessity in a NYC apartment.

My parents, though, lived for many years in a huge house with enormous storage potential. When they downsized several years ago, it was heartbreaking to see all the stuff that they had held on to throughout the years. Old clothing my siblings and I had worn more than 20 years ago -- now hopelessly dated and out of style but in perfect condition -- that could have been useful if only they had given it away at the time we had outgrown it. Ditto for toys, books, household items.

My mother, in particular, feels a need to hold on to things. The Times piece seems to capture her dilemma perfectly: "Getting rid of a possession means abdicating all the pleasures and rights of that possession. And that freaks people out. It goes like this: 'I got this from Aunt Maria; I can't get rid of it. I spend a lot of money on this: I can't get rid of it. I wore this a year ago, I might wear it again; I can't get rid of it. If I get rid of it, I've lost all these opportunities.' That's a kind of death."

What I Wear - Jewelry

2010-10-30T13:13:00.032-04:00

Here is Part III of my clothing and accessories inventory:

Necklaces

Mikimoto pearl necklace
Boys-in-baseball caps gold necklace
blue and white china fragment pendant necklace
navy bead statement necklace#
mixed media statement necklace
cameo/locket necklace#
garnet grape-cluster pendant
agate slice pendent
aquamarine chunky stone necklace
beach glass bead necklace (with matching earrings)
blue-and-white china beads
extra long strand of faux pearls
cz diamond solitaire pendant on gold chain
gold serpentine chain
pink cluster on gold chain
single pearl on gold chain
silver unicorn on silver chain
antiqued silver cluster necklace (with matching bracelet and earrings)
antiqued pendant on black leather strap
green stone circular pendant#
wood/brass pendant on multi brown leather straps
sodalite/pearl pendant on black strap
cobalt blue glass and gold beads on black chain
freshwater pearls
ice blue/freshwater pearl/gold bead necklace
3-tiered faux pearl and rhinestone necklace
set of 3 gold chains with pink beads
sterling silver chain with small rectangular pendant#
white opal on gold-filled chain
faceted emerald necklace (with matching earrings)
3-tier gold statement necklace
4-tier turquoise/blue and gold statement necklace
turquoise and blue glass necklace
turquoise/green/blue resin bead necklace
orange shell necklace
rhinestone necklace
coral and gold starfish necklace (with matching bracelet)
queen victoria pendant
yellow sea glass pendant (with matching bracelet)
clear/topaz bead necklace w/pearl-centered locket
black enamel and crystal long necklace

Bracelets

blue and white china fragment bracelet
turquoise and cobalt charm bracelet
chunky stone charm bracelet
gold locket charm bracelet
set of gold bangles
red/silver bead bracelet
purple cloisonne bangle
2 gold bangles
gold and rhinestone link bracelet
5-tier pink pearl bracelet w/magnetic clasp
pink pearl bracelet
set of 2 cobalt bangles
gold elephants
gold elephant on oval links
ivory and gold elephant charm bracelet#
set of stretch pearl bracelets
set of 2 crystal-on-gold-wire bracelets
stretchy turquoise and blue bead bracelet
turquoise/purple straw bangle
set of 2 green, 1 burgundy, 1 red Indian wooden bangles
coral and gold starfish charm bracelet (with matching necklace)
leopard bangle
zebra bangle
rhinestone stretch bracelet
yellow sea glass bracelet (with matching pendant)
antiqued silver cluster bracelet (with matching necklace and earrings)
silver geometric bangles (set of 3 w/matching earrings)
david yurman-style bracelet
leather and rhinestone bangle

Earrings

Mikomoto pearl studs
opal earrings
lapis and gold dangling earrings
blue beach glass bead earrings (with matching necklace)
blue-and-white china bead earrings (round)
blue-and-white china bead earrings (drop)
lapis and gold earrings
lapis and pearl earrings
sodalite ball studs
blue ball earrings
love-knot posts
gold cross posts
ivory button earrings
mabe pearl earrings
sequin chandelier earrings#
crystal chandelier earrings
crystal hoop earrings
pink quartz hoop earrings
pink quartz faceted tear drop earrings
pink quartz wire dangle earrings
yellow quartz drop earrings
light blue stone earrings
gold hoop beaded trim earrings
diamond studs
square crystal studs
pearl and rhinestone ovals (clip)
onyx and diamond french clips
marcasite ball and crystal drop earring
jet and crystal alternate bead drop earring
rhinestone drops
sapphire and rhinestone dangling earrings
turquoise and gold earrings
aqua crystal earrings
garnet chandelier earrings
garnet cluster earrings
garnet bead earrings
purple/multi-color linear drop earrings
sodalite and silver cluster earrings
faceted emerald drop earrings (with matching necklace)
studded brown wooden ball earrings
dark teal stacked disk earrings
silver hoops
silver disk (fish lure) earrings
silver city scene earrings
silver hoops with various semiprecious stone dangles
antiqued silver cluster earrings (with matching bracelet and necklace)
silver geometric hoops (w/matching set of 3 bangles)
pearls on gold hoops
black globes on gold hoops
black tassle clip earrings
light green heart dangle earrings
turquoise rectangular resin earrings
tortoise shell disk earrings
aphrodite grey/pearl drop earrings
sand dollar earrings
bright pink and green earrings
jets earrings
wine glass earrings
snowman earrings

Rings

wedding band and engagement ring
aquamarine ring
pink tourmaline ring
pink tourmaline and marcasite ring
black enamel cocktail ring
turquoise cocktail ring
gold/pearl cocktail ring
cobalt ring
square-cut sapphire ring

Pins/Brooches

black velvet flower
mauve mohair flower#
pink flower#
turquoise-sapphire maltese cross brooch#
intaglio brooch#
grandma's bold amethyst circle pin
subtle amethyst/pearl circle pin
blue mosaic pin
art deco-style kye ying lo pin
turquoise seahorse pin
mabe pearl and diamond brooch
g-clef stick pin
heart stick pin
tree-shaped rhinestone brooch
starburst rhinestone pin
pearl circle pin
pearl collar pin
silver/black/diamond collar pin
gold and pearl collar pin
pink pearl and rhinestone flower pin
hand-painted heart pin
sterling silver oval pin
sterling leaf pin
silver swirl pin
silver bow pin
marcasite dragonfly pin
city w/ufo pin
scary-cat gold pin
gold key pin
monarch butterfly pin
personalized cat pin
santa claus pin
nativity scene pin
bell pin
elephant pin
rabbit pin

Watches

black movado with leather band
red leather/silver link band watch
pink grosgrain band watch
turquoise snakeskin band watch
black leather band tank watch
cordovan leather band oval face watch
navy rubber watch
leopard/zebra band watch
swatch

Cuff Links

gold rectangular cuff links
rhinestone cuff links

What I Wear - Accessories

2010-10-29T08:34:00.054-04:00

So here is Part II of my apparel and accessory inventory. I should mention again that closet space is becoming an issue with regard to these possessions. And although I buy everything because I love it, I don't necessarily wear everything I own -- I've been pushing myself to do so regularly, but it is still an effort not to fall back on old favorites.

Shoes

tan kitten-heel mules
tan suede d'orsay pumps
black pointed toe flats with white stitching
brown pointed toe flats
leopard print rounded toe flats with fur pom poms
giraffe spot ballet flats
navy d'orsay flats
blue suede shoes*
red open toe flats with black trim
red driving mocs
cordovan tasseled loafers
copper kitten heel pumps
platinum kitten heel pumps
gold high heel pumps#
gold high heel sandals
royal blue fabric-covered high heels
4" black high heels
black suede d'orsay pumps
black rosette-embellished evening sandals*
brown suede peep toe pumps#
leopard pumps with stacked heel
leopard pumps with rounded toe
zebra striped d'orsay pumps#
Dalmatian pattern pumps with red trim
ankle-strap pumps with floral embroidered toe
teal and black pumps with satin ribbon
green silk embroidered slingbacks
velvet kitten-heel mules
black suede slingbacks
navy patent slingbacks#
cordovan patent slingbacks#
navy pumps
pink ruffle suede pumps
red suede pumps with rhinestone embellishment
red satin slingbacks
black and white espadrille flats*
turquoise espadrilles*
striped espadrilles*
white wedge sandals#
orange thong sandals
gold thong flat sandals
yellow open-toe flats
yellow corset-tied ballet flats
black silk flat mules (almost slippers)*
Indian sandals
cork-heeled wedge sandals
multi-colored metallic wedges#
brown leather boots
black suede boots
black wedge-heeled boots*
short black booties
black knee-high kitten-heel boots
cowboy boots
rain boots
winter boots*
running shoes

Handbags, Clutches, Totes

black leather zip-top tote - my workhorse
Leopard-print trimmed leather bag w/kiss lock
Leopard-print hair-calf bag
Zebra-print trimmed leather bag
Zebra-print structured bag#
Zebra-print evening bag
beaded black tote
black linen zip-top tote
black Coach bucket bag
black Coach briefcase
black patent purse w/bamboo handles
black Kate Spade purse
black croc-embossed purse
black patent bag with cut-velvet body#
black fur purse
black velvet backpack
black evening clutch with rhinestone closure
black evening pouch with gold chain
black vintage velvet clutch (with peacock belt)#
black leather clutch (good for embellishing with brooches)
black satin woven clutch
black cross-body party bag
black/pink print cross-body bag
Dalmatian-print tote with patent trim
Dalmatian-print clutch with kiss-lock
ivory/black evening clutch with pearl embellishment
white patent clutch with optional strap
pewter crossbody/clutch#
grey evening bag w/big bead handle
grandma's crewel-work purse
red leather purse#
red quilted minaudiere
cranberry croc-embossed purse#
bright pink/orange patent tote
bright pink leather purse
fuchsia twig purse
light pink croc-embossed clutch#
purple snakeskin clutch#
green patent tote
teal clutch
turquoise suede oversized tote
turquoise print sequined tote with bamboo handles#
tan tote w/green and purple sequins and bamboo handles
navy blue lazer-cut suede tote#
blue cotton print purse with bamboo handles#
blue/pink flamingo purse with bamboo handles#
blue patterned bronze-handled evening purse
olive/cranberry velvet snap-top bag
gold/black clutch with kiss-lock
gold print beaded clutch#
green print beaded clutch
bronze minaudiere
brown tile bag
brown giraffe-print tote with yellow straps
brown croc-embossed leather bag
brown leather bag w/chain shoulder strap#
brown leather tote
big straw tote

Scarves and Shawls

black rosette collar#
black fur scarf
black cut velvet scarf
black velvet scarf with ruffle trim
black cashmere open weave scarf/shawl
black silk tasseled scarf with beading
black/burgundy velvet scarf
black/white houndstooth scarf
black/red paisley scarf
burgundy scarf/shawl
cranberry/rose reversible silk scarf/shawl#
fuchsia shawl
pink crinkled cotton scarf
coral ombre cashmere scarf/wrap
brown raw silk scarf/shawl#
ivory embroidered shawl
ivory crocheted shawl
ivory accordion-pleat scarf with crystals#
ivory gauze scarf
cream crinkled silk oblong scarf
tie-dye silk scarf
turquoise/blue/purple silk oblong scarf
turquoise/white silk oblong scarf
turquoise/pink square scarf
turquoise/blue cotton square scarf
light teal scarf/wrap with swirl appliques
zebra print oblong scarf
leopard print silk square scarf
Angela Cummings silk scarf
Coach silk scarf
Hermes ice skater print silk scarf
Valentino floral silk scarf
Liberty of London scarf
UPenn scarf
Tiffaney windows silk square scarf
black/raspberry circle-print oblong scarf
black/cobalt circle-print oblong scarf
black/red circle-print oblong scarf
red/black dotted square scarf
red/white/blue poppy print square scarf
blue/pink rose print oblong scarf
blue/pink circle-print oblong scarf
blue/white geometric-print square scarf
purple/blue marbleized-print oblong scarf
light purple/pink/white floral square scarf
light purple crinkled cotton long oblong scarf
pink/white polka dot square scarf
blue stained glass pocket square
grey silk pocket square*
burgundy paisley silk pocket square
blue plaid wool scarf
blue provencal scarf

Belts

snakeskin print skinny belt
black leather wide wrap belt#
black leather belt with rhinestone buckle
black patent belt with bamboo buckle
black leather belt with nickel buckle
black tassel tie belt#
black velvet circle tie belt#
blue suede belt
red suede wrap belt
red skinny belt
pink skinny belt#
orange skinny belt#
yellow skinny belt#
green preppy belt
brown braided belt
brown suede belt
brown cord belt with coin embellishment
leopard belt with gold buckle
leopard belt with self buckle
thin tiger belt
patent tortoise-pattern belt
gold chain-link belt#

Misc.

straw hat
black sheer silk short-sleeve wrap#

What I Wear

2010-10-29T00:29:00.194-04:00

I am trying to cut down on my clothing/accessory purchases. It isn't only to save money, although that is always a factor, rather it is because I really have enough already. I should wear what I have and enjoy it instead of always looking for something new that will be more flattering, make me look thinner, more fashionable, etc. So just as keeping a detailed food and exercise log helped me lose weight, I'm hoping that developing a detailed apparel log will help me see what I have and discourage me from overstuffing my closet further.

So here is a full list of what I wear:

Dresses

black silk dress with bolero jacket*
black velvet dress with jacket
black silk dupioni sheath dress
black wool sheath with ruffled cap sleeves
black wool sheath with satin inserts
black silk v-neck sleeveless dress
black silk/cotton dress with full skirt
black "date-night" dress
black silk sheath with embroidered flowers
black cotton square-neck dress with kick-pleat hem
black eyelet shirt-dress
black linen dress with empire waist detail#*
black sleeveless jersey dress*
charcoal short-sleeve dress w/self-belt
grey silk dress
grey silk dress w/bronze beading at neckline and hemline
grey wool jersey wrap dress
red/black silk jersey dress#
navy velvet cocktail dress*
cobalt blue silk dress#
blue "infinity" dress#
blue silk dress w/split neckline and embellished waist#
blue floral silk sheath
brown hammered-silk sheath
brown cap-sleeve viscose jersey dress#
brown long-sleeved jersey dress
olive front-pleat jersey dress
light green silk sheath
green/pink Lilly Pulitzer dress
red/white vine-print dress with spaghetti straps and full skirt

Pants

dark khakis
straight leg light khakis
light weight denim trousers#
2 prs dark wash denim trousers
straight-leg jeans
boot-leg jeans
low rise jeans#
black fleece pants*
black straight-leg trousers
black sateen pants with trapunto detail at waist
black silk straight leg pants
2 prs black cotton straight leg pants
black cotton pants with hollywood waist and center seam on leg
black cotton/spandex pants with hollywood waist
black cotton boot-leg pants with center seam on leg
black cotton flare-leg pants
black jeans
high-waisted velvet pants*
velvet pants with pockets#
navy trousers
navy corduroys
brown velveteen jeans
light brown corduroys
chocolate brown corduroys
plaid wide-leg trousers
grey wool crops
white silk wide-leg trousers
white silk straight-leg trousers

Skirts

denim pencil skirt (short)
dark denim pencil skirt (longer)
tweed pencil skirt
black/white charmeuse skirt
black silk skirt w/ruffled hem#
black linen skirt w/white hem#
black lace A-line skirt
black wool Nanette Lapore skirt
black short velvet skirt#
black velvet/silk charmeuse hankerchief-hem skirt*
black long charmeuse silk skirt
black long velvet skirt
black silk embroidered skirt#
brown A-line skirt*
leopard print pencil skirt#
black floral silk skirt
blue paisley silk skirt
blue floral full skirt
moss multi-colored floral full skirt
blue floral cotton pencil skirt

Skorts

navy with white polka dots
brown giraffe print

Suits

black cotton suit w/pants and skirt
camel-colored sharkskin pants suit#

Jackets

black boucle jacket w/gold embellishment
black 3/4 sleeve wool jacket
black jacquard jacket w/portrait collar
black blazer w/velvet trim
black cotton military-inspired jacket*
black cotton stone-embellished jacket#
black velvet jacket with silk chiffon trim
black velvet cropped jacket#*
black velvet jacket with mandarin collar and embroidered trim*
black paisley print cotton jacket#*
pink velvet jacket#
ivory sequined jacket#
ivory/gold jacquard 3/4 sleeve trapeze jacket
white pique jacket
floral 3/4 sleeve cotton jacket*
fuchsia 3/4 sleeve cotton jacket
fuchsia wool jacket
cobalt blue 3/4 sleeve silk jacket with jeweled buttons#*
blue/white seersucker jacket
navy wool blazer#
leopard print sateen jacket#
suede animal print brown jacket
suede coral ruffled jacket
tan linen-blend blazer
teal/brown knit jacket#
teal boiled wool jacket
red silk jacket#
red corduroy jacket*
denim blazer

Sweaters

black cashmere cardigan with fur collar
black cashmere boatneck pullover with 3/4 sleeves
black cashmere crew-neck collar pullover with center seam
black cashmere bolero
black wool turtleneck
black 3/4 sleeve cowlneck
black wool mock-neck with lace yoke*
black wool sleeveless shell with velvet and embroidered neckline
black silk twin-set with bell-sleeves and ribbed detail
black cotton cardigan with 3/4 sleeves and jeweled buttons
black cotton pullover with knit flower embellishment*
black wrap sweater with teal embroidery
black argyle short-sleeve sweater
black/white Dalmatian-spot cardigan
black/white floral cardigan
grey embellished twin-set
charcoal salt/pepper fleece turtleneck sweater*
charcoal argyle twin-set
brown leaf-pattern cardigan
brown wool mock t-neck
brown cotton short-sleeve v-neck*
royal purple cardigan
deep purple fly-away cardigan
light purple v-neck
navy bolero
navy v-neck long-sleeved cotton sweater
royal blue cropped cardigan
blue floral cardigan*
blue twin-set
blue v-neck pullover
blue cashmere crewneck pullover w/argyle print
blue cashmere sleeveless pullover
aquamarine cardigan with rhinestone buttons
olive floral cardigan
moss sleeveless pullover
green short-sleeve cardigan with pleat front
pinky lavender cardigan w/grey buttons
pink pucci-print cardigan
pink/orange floral short-sleeve cardigan
garnet cashmere sleeveless pullover
red cashmere v-neck
red fleece
red cardigan with rhinestone buttons
red floral cardigan
ivory cashmere v-neck
ivory cardigan with beaded trim
ivory cardigan with 3/4 sleeves
white cotton cardigan
gold cardigan#
silver wool-and-metallic sweater

Shirts and Blouses

white no-iron button-front with tuxedo details
white no-iron button-front shirt
white short-sleeve blouse with 3D front and sheer back
white cotton sleeveless blouse with jackie-o collar
white linen short-sleeve blouse
white cotton polo shirt
white/orange/navy golf shirt*
cranberry no-iron button-front
pink-orange paisley no-iron button-front
emerald green short-sleeve silk shirt
green Augusta golf shirt*
red silk blouse
red silk blouse with sead pearls
red/purple/multi paisley-print drape-neck shell
dark purple sleeveless silk shell (w/matching cardigan)
purplish bluish cap sleeve no-iron shirt
blue/white china-pattern long-sleeve wrap silk blouse
blue-white sleeveless no-iron shirt
light blue long-sleeve no-iron button-front shirt
dark blue short-sleeve tunic with sequin and paillette embellishment
wedgewood blue velvet blouse
navy silk sleeveless blouse with ruffled collar
cobalt blue sleeveless silk blouse w/lattice neckline
cobalt blue sleeveless silk blouse w/black trim
cobalt blue short-sleeved tie-neck blouse
ivory short-sleeved tie-neck blouse
ivory sleeveless silk blouse#
ivory/blue/pink beaded shell#
peacock print silk halter blouse
pink silk sleeveless blouse with seam detailing
pink silk sleeveless blouse with cut-in neckline and back buttons
black silk long-sleeve charmeuse blouse
black beaded shell*
black/white soutache shell
black silk ruffle-front sleeveless blouse
black silk blouse with studs at neckline
black sleeveless silk-charmeuse tie-neck blouse#*
black long-sleeved silk-charmeuse tie-neck blouse*
black long-sleeved blouse with 3D front and sheer back#
black velvet portrait-collar top with taffeta cuffs and collar*
black short-sleeve shirt w/sheer yoke
black short-sleeve top with zip back and asymetrical bow front
black long-sleeve puckered shirt with ruffled neckline
black charmeuse silk shell
black paisley no-iron button-front
black/pink floral print long-sleeve silk blouse
black/coral floral print long-sleeve polyester blouse

Tops and T's

white crew-neck tshirt
white tshirt w/embellished neckline
white modal long-sleeve tshirt
white/black paisley print jersey top
black plain v-neck tshirt
black lace embellished v-neck shirt
black Nanette Lapore capsleeve sweetheart neck top*
black gathered-neck-with-tie top*
black applique-yoke cap sleeve top*
black cotton knit boatneck shell
black modal long-sleeve tshirt
black v-neck 3/4 sleeve top w/sequin trim*
black pleated wide v-neck top with 3/4 sleeves*
brown tshirt
leopard-print long sleeve top*
turquoise cotton v-neck tshirt
turquoise silk knit top
ice blue boat neck 3/4 sleeve top
dusty blue fleece top
medium blue sleeveless tshirt
blue sleeveless jersey top w/gold beading#*
blue floral sleeveless jersey top
cobalt blue empire seam v-neck with 3/4 sleeves
cobalt blue cotton mockneck
cobalt blue tshirt
cobalt blue sleeveless tshirt w/rosettes at shoulder#
raspberry v-neck 3/4 sleeve top w/sequin trim*
raspberry cap-sleeve top with bow-trim at neck*
raspberry long-sleeve crew-neck top*
pink sleeveless top with rhinestone bands at neckline*
red long-sleeve pleated-neck top*
red sleeveless lace-hem shell
silver lame top*

Vests

red wool vest w/satin back

Coats

navy winter coat
black winter coat w/fur trim
black ski jacket w/down insert
black/white open-front coat
black silk coat w/pink lining
leopard print coat
brown linen 3/4 sleeve coat
black leather jacket*
black micro-fiber jacket w/tie-waist
tan suede jacket*
chocolate brown leather jacket
denim jacket

Dad's Gone

2010-10-07T13:36:00.002-04:00

I want to remember my dad, not as I saw him in the hospital on Tuesday, but when he was full of piss and vinegar, so to speak:

* Riding on his back as he crawled around the room when I was a toddler.

* The way he would comfort me after I fought with my siblings or my mom when I was a kid. He was always the peace maker.

* His crazy sandwiches: peanut butter and miracle whip, cream cheese and jelly on white bread.

* Eating sardines.

* How he biked to work in the 1970's - way before anyone else did.

* His moped in the early 80's - I can still picture him zipping around town with his longish hair streaming back in the breeze.

* Some of his clothes: the suede jacket, turtleneck and sports jacket, purple cow tie.

* The way he really wore things until they completely wore out, saving all his new stuff "for good."

* His meticulousness as a woodworker and handyman. The only guy who really does all the prep work before painting. The labeled coffee jars of nails, screws, etc. all sorted by size/type and lined up on shelves.

* His wonderful output of turnings - lamps, bowls, candlesticks, plus the myriad of cases he made for model cars and mom's minis.

* His interest in cars (too bad he had to drive things like the Ford Pinto).

* His gift as a storyteller. He had lots of favorite stories about his time in Italy during WWII, but also about growing up:
- dipping the braids of the girl in front of him in his inkwell.
- eating apples when he was supposed to be selling them, until his father created wooden boxes that made the theft easier to detect.

* The time he drove me and a car full of kids through a snowstorm. Conditions must have been terrible - it took hours - but he just plugged away and got us all home safely.

* My kids it when he drove them around, pulling the cart they sat in with his tractor. Once he got stuck in the swamp - what a mess - the tires were buried halfway. But he had a plan: he used ropes tied around trees as leverage to pull the whole thing out of the muck. Careful, exacting labor - but of course he stuck with it and it worked.

* He'd make us a hot breakfast in the morning (he was always the one who woke us up and got us going): oatmeal, cream of wheat w/chocolate, wheatina, and on weekends - fried eggs.

* The consistency of his plaid shirts - before and after the grunge movement.

* Shorts in the summer, trousers in the winter (never jeans) - and work boots throughout.

* All the things he made himself, renovating two kitchens (four if you also count the tiny apartment kitchens), the workspaces in his efficient print shop, the dance floor he made for my wedding.

Moral Self-Image

2010-10-05T07:30:00.001-04:00

The Science section of today's New York Times featured the article "Why All Indescretions Appear Youthful" which describes how people "subconsciously maintain and massage their moral self-image." While this piece deals primarily with the issues of time - how past indiscretions are seen as vestiges of long ago while triumphs are seen as having occurred recently (and the future always looks rosy) - it has made me think about how my mom can justify the thought of putting my dad in a nursing home even when my sister has offered the option of home care. And apparently it is this: even though she knows that being in a nursing home is full of indignities and is the last thing he would have ever wanted, my mom has convinced herself that it is a sign of her true love because the proposed nursing home would be closer to her condo and therefore it will be easier for her to see him often.

Of course as of the news last night that he is failing fast, this may all be a moot point. I am on a fast train headed for Boston now and hope that I don't miss him. But it is just like my dad to take matters into his own hands and do this his own way.

The Perils of Nursing Homes

2010-10-04T12:55:00.001-04:00

My dad has been in a Boston hospital for over a week. While some days are better than others, it is becoming apparent that he may never fully recover. He has lost a tremendous amount of weight over the last couple of years, and my brother now estimates that he weighs roughly the same as my nine-year-old son. Dad's legs are apparently like sticks; the rest of his frame is similarly skeletal.

He went to the hospital because my mom thought he had a stroke. While that condition has been ruled out, the cause of his increasing frailty and confusion has not been confirmed. Most likely it is cancer. In his living will, he has ruled out aggressive tests and treatment, so we may never really know what's wrong. And there doesn't seem to be a sense that he'll get better - just that it will be more of the same until the end.

The question now, is where he should go. The hospital needs to release him: they have done what they can, have come up with a likely diagnosis that my mom won't let them confirm never-mind treat, and so there is no need to continue to keep him in a hospital bed. My dad wants to go home. I'm not sure he has said this -- I am not sure he even can -- but that has always been his wish before. He hates hospitals and institutional settings.

Some history: long ago, his mom lived with us after she suffered from a stroke. She was mostly confined to her bed - couldn't cook or really care much for herself - and one of us kids would take her meals in on a tray every day. In the summer, she went to live with her daughter, who subsequently put my grandmother in a nursing home. My grandmother died within weeks - she starved herself she was so unhappy to be away from home - and my father never forgave his sister.

Through the years my father has made his disgust for nursing homes clear. So I was surprised and appalled when I heard that my mom had agreed to send him to one when he's released from the hospital. I think my siblings had similar reactions. J. told me that mom made it clear that it was her "right and responsibility" to make the decision. C. railed against my mom for putting her own needs (the awkwardness and discomfort of having 24-hour nursing care in her home) ahead of my dad's desires.

And then, overnight, a solution was born. C. suggested that dad be released to hospice care in her home. She has a huge finished basement that would be perfect - it is L-shaped so that my dad can rest with the lights dimmed on one side, while a caregiver sits near a reading lamp on the other and both have some privacy. It has a large, new bathroom. The laundry facilities are nearby. There are floor-to-ceiling windows with a view of the backyard. There is even a refrigerator (and there could be a toaster oven or microwave). And since it is a floor away from the rest of the house, C. and her husband would be free to go about their normal daily activities without being in the way of my father's care.

My mother seems to have agreed to consider this as an option (DH warned me that her need to control may take over and that I shouldn't be surprised if obstacles suddenly appear), although she told me that she wasn't sure that this arrangement would be approved by the caseworker who is evaluating my dad's placement. We'll see. Right now I am optimistic.

Money plays a role. There is no denying this (although my mother does try). Around the clock nursing care will cost $23/hour - twice that if two people are needed. That's roughly $4K per week (more if extra staff is needed). So this is hardly sustainable for the long term. My folks have considerably savings - they made a killing when they sold their house 4 years ago - and I think it is great to have the money go toward my dad's care. My mom seems more in favor of not spending this money, so that there will be remaining funds in my dad's trust to split among his heirs. But nursing homes are not a free ride either: the full cost is paid for 20 days, and then some portion is paid for another 80 days, but then he'll have to use his own funds until they are kaput and the state kicks in.

For me, the bigger concern is the lack of dignity in a nursing home. Both C. and I worked in homes as teenagers, and we know first hand that bed-ridden patients don't always get great care. He will continue to be restrained to prevent future falls, since in a nursing home, there will be long stretches of time when he is alone. With one-on-one care restraints will be less necessary. In a nursing home, he can sit in a wet or soiled hours for hours before someone has time to attend to him - this won't happen with one on one care. Most distressingly for me, he is likely to continue to be sedated in a nursing home any time he is restless simply because that makes it easier for the staff.

To digress a bit: the NY Times had an article on the front page of yesterday's business section that dealt with the proliferation of anti-psychotic drugs. It stated that fully 1/4 of nursing home patients have used them, despite "recent government warnings [that] say the drugs may be fatal to some older patients." More specifically it described how Eli Lilly salespeople "promoted a '5 at 5' drug regimen in nursing homes - 5 milligrams of Zyprexa at 5 p.m. to settle down agitated older patients for the night." I saw this first hand when one of my nursing home patients came at me with a fork - the next day and for the rest of the summer, he was completely knocked out - I don't think I ever saw him conscious again.

Nursing homes are notoriously badly staffed. I don't know that I saw a doctor the whole summer -- and I worked the 7-3 shift when doctor visits would presumably have been most likely. There was one nurse on the floor - and she was so busy with paperwork that she rarely visited with the patients but relied on aide reports to fill out her charts. She did do rounds with the meds, but that was about it. (At another facility where I briefly worked the night shift, there was no nurse on staff or on call at night - and I gave out the meds at breakfast from a prepared tray.)

How will this play out? I don't know. I'm headed up for the day tomorrow and possibly for a visit this weekend, so we'll see...

Book-ended

2010-09-23T22:51:00.000-04:00

Worries regarding both the older and younger generation today.

First the kids: both were reprimanded and punished for minor infractions of their school's rules. The younger ran around the cafeteria after someone who teasingly took a friend's lunch; the older got caught with his cellphone out during class. In both cases, I figured the school punishment was sufficient and so didn't add any home misery to their lives. But was that the right thing to do? Should I be working harder to enforce school rules? Does it matter that their intent was good (the younger to help a friend; the older to turn off his phone)?

And my dad: now on his way to the hospital because of bleeding in his brain, as a result of a fall on 9/11. So why are my siblings and I just hearing about this from my mom today? Why are my folks so worried about telling us when something is amiss? Do we really need to put a happy face on everything? Does pretending nothing is wrong ever really work?

Free Writing Ideas

2010-09-17T14:29:00.001-04:00

In reviewing my sons' paperwork from last school year (yes, I'm just getting to that now - piles of stuff came home in June and they just sat around all summer until I finally sorted through them yesterday), I found some interesting writing prompts. Here are the ones I liked best:

I woke up one morning and everything was blue (missing, tiny, different, etc.)
Suddenly everyone forgot who I was...
The day I became Waldo (or some weird or famous person)
The day I became a cartoon character
The day I won power...
The day my teacher was gone and they asked me to be the substitute
The day my pet fish began to sing (talk, do tricks, etc.)
The day it snowed twenty feet
The day the sun grew
The night the Martians landed
The night before Halloween
The night the lights went out
The year it wouldn't stop raining (or snowing)
The crazy day started when I was on my way to school (or downtown, or grandma's house)
Pretend you are a raindrop. Where would you land and what would happen along the way.
Pretend you and your best friend could have a free limo/airplane/ship for 24 hours. Where would you go and what would you do?
Describe a dream that you had, giving as many details as possible.
How does happiness feel?
The trap door in my closet...
While I was walking home from school...
I would use a magic want to...
I heard a noise under my bed
There was a loud knock at the door
As I was walking on the beach...

Public or Private School?

2010-09-16T16:45:00.006-04:00

My older son just entered the 8th grade, so we will be spending a fair amount of time this fall visiting and thinking about high schools. In NYC, there is considerable choice regarding where your child goes to high school. In fact, there are no automatic assignments based on where you live. Instead, students apply to high school based on their interests and abilities. There are a number of specialized high schools (including Bronx Science, Stuyvesant, and Brooklyn Tech) for which admission is based on a test that is taken in October of the 8th grade -- causing all kinds of grief and anxiety among students and their families (and leading to a mini-industry of Specialized High School Admissions Test tutoring). Other schools base admission on a combination of grades, teacher recommendations, and a portfolio of work. At any rate, the whole thing takes time to research, think about, and apply. In addition to all of that, we will have our son apply to some private schools, which adds a whole separate layer of research, testing, and applications. There are pros and cons to to all of the programs we are considering -- I get a headache just thinking about it!

For the past year or so, every event I've been to with other parents - be it a baseball game, fundraiser, or PTA meeting - has included a discussion about various schools, and, of course, the dreaded testing process. I never had my children tutored for the NY state tests (an annual event starting in 3rd grade, and a key component of both the middle school and high school application process), but the stakes are high enough for the SHSAT and the SSAT (the private school test) that I gave in and hired a tutor for my son over the summer. Inspirica, a local tutoring company, came highly recommended to us, and I've been more than pleased with them. A recent article in the NY Times questions the efficacy of such testing. How much will it help my child? I'm not really sure. But it can't hurt to give him more confidence via exposure to past tests. And practice always seems to be a good thing. Will it actually help raise his score? I don't know.

Back to School!

2010-09-06T21:39:00.000-04:00

Although the timing of the first day of school is a little messed-up this year (first day is on Wednesday, 9/8, followed by two days off for the Jewish holidays - why not start the whole thing on the 13th?), I am ready for summer to be over and to have the whole family get back into the swing of things. There will be football of course, and I'm looking forward to having time to finish my book and get more things done!

Computerless...

2010-08-24T14:42:00.000-04:00

My hard drive crashed last Monday. After several days of crossed fingers that it would work each time I tried to start it up, some attempts to restore it with Lenova's repair and recovery disks, and a trip to the GeekSquad at BestBuy (where I scheduled an in-home diagnostic, rather than having it sent away for 10 days), it has become obvious that I'm either going to have to replace the hard drive (and all the work and possible data loss which that entails) or buy a new computer (ditto).

I've been feeling rather lost without it. I have my iphone, so I'm not email-less (thank goodness!), but sending lots of info on the iphone isn't easy for me - I'm used to touch-typing and that's hard to do on the iphone keypad.

Keys to a Happy Marriage

2010-08-10T12:31:00.000-04:00

I'm a sucker for reading women's magazine articles about how to have a healthier, happier marriage. Most of the tips are obvious or useless. But this one actually seems to make some sense: http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/couples-stay-close.

Author Videos

2010-07-11T21:36:00.000-04:00

I've been reading about the trend for authors to post readings or other video content on YouTube as a means of promoting their books. My alumnae magazine's summer issue featured a piece about how an online video increased sales Katrina Kenison's family memoir. Then today's NY Times had an article about how Mary Karr, Kelly Corrigan (who I've seen in online videos and does indeed seem quite engaging), and others have benefited from the trend. So I guess I'll have to jump on the band wagon for my book, Close Call.

Battling Bullying

2010-07-10T23:30:00.000-04:00

The New York Times ran an article last week about how schools are struggling to deal with online bullying. In these days of social media, saying mean things anonymously is easier than ever and, once posted, is all but impossible to remove or contain. And while I feel terribly for the victims and recognize that technology has made bullying more of a problem than ever before, I am firmly in the camp of those who wonder why it has become the schools' responsibility to solve this problem.

For one thing, the bullying rarely takes place on school grounds or during school hours. This means that it really should be the other adults in the kids' lives - their parents - who step up to deal with these issues. And yet as the article makes clear, parents are too busy dodging the responsibilities of parenthood (one dad said it would be "too awkward" to speak with the parents of the child who was harassing his daughter -- so he wanted to the school to simply punish the offender without him having to really get involved or speaking with his daughter to get to the root of the issue).

I don't mean that the schools should simply wash their hands of the matter. The schools my kids have attended have implemented strong anti-bullying programs that teach kids to speak up for themselves; that bystanders are really not "innocent" but rather can play a key role in either helping perpetuate the bullying - or in stopping it; and that teach parents how to be "approachable" so that kids aren't afraid to discuss these important issues before things get out of hand. But conversations - be they electronic or otherwise - that take place outside of school aren't really the school's responsibility.

And some parents, in helicopter mode, see bullying where it really doesn't exist. A parent who wanted his daughter invited to a party at which the host had made clear she wasn't welcome, intervened when the host's chums supported his right not to have her there. The dad insisted that because the boys had called his daughter names, it was bullying, when in fact, she had said some pretty mean things, too. Disagreements and bullying are not the same!

At least this parent had the guts to speak with other parents about the issue, and together, parents were able to stop the kids from making the situation a bigger deal than it really was.

Frozen in Time?

2010-07-01T14:02:00.000-04:00

At least three times in the last few weeks, I've been told that I "look exactly the same" as I did years ago. In all cases, the comment has come from men I haven't seen in ages. My husband insists that I should take this as a compliment. But I wonder about the benefits of being frozen in time. No one has said that I look young, or that I look great -- just that I look "the same." Perhaps this means my look is dated (so I should change my hairstyle and update my wardrobe?).

Class Song

2010-06-26T12:34:00.000-04:00

I am constantly impressed with the creativity of the teaching in my children's schools. For example, while I remember the third grade as a time when my classmates and I sat diligently at our desks, arranged neatly in rows, and completed math work on little cards ranged by difficulty (you'd get up and get one from a box on a table at the side of the room, work on it for a few minutes, finish it, replace it in the box, and get the next one -- and yes it was as tedious as it sounds), my third-grade son learns in an active, collaborative environment. As part of a unit on the myths of ancient Greece and Rome, the class wrote and performed in an opera about Orpheo and Agriophe. When they studied the countries of Africa, they made presentations to a mock United Nations that explained their country's history and potential contribution to the world. And most recently, as part of a writing assignment, they wrote these lyrics to celebrate their accomplishments for the year:

We learned about Mexico, Africa and animals;
We learned abut fractions, percentages and decimals.

We made African masks
We drank Japanese tea
We went to the Met
And had Field Day, weeee....

CHORUS:
We are awesome!
We are great!
We are class 3-118!
We had so much fun with our classmates!

We played wall ball with glee
We wrote an opera about Orpheo & Agriophe, yea...

CHORUS

Bridge:
Third grade's over
And we feel sad
but also excited
because summer's not so bad...

CHORUS

Eminem's Recovery

2010-06-22T21:57:00.001-04:00

Since it came out yesterday, I've been listening to Recovery, Eminem's latest release, via the online music service Rhapsody. While I can't say I think it is his best effort to date, I do think that it contains several strong tracks (Love the Way You Lie with Rihanna, W.T.P. and the single Not Afraid, for example). And I don't understand why critical reaction has been so ho hum about it. The NY Times wondered (once again) why he is so successful, even as they admire his rapping as "still a wondrous thicket of internal and complex rhymes that come off as feats of athleticism as much as language."

I have long loved his way with words and rhythm -- to me, his music is the reason that rap is known as the "poetry of the streets." He continues to address issues that are important to him -- his struggles with the creative process, his tortured relationship with his wife, his love for his daughters, and his ambivalence about his fame -- and I think that's fine. I am a fan who hasn't been dying to see him experiment with new things, I don't need to see his style evolve, and I am not craving his take on different styles and genres. He is who he is. Isn't that what we all wanted?

Two Central Park Options this Saturday

2010-06-18T05:38:00.000-04:00

This Saturday, June 19th from 12pm-4pm in Central Park by the Bandshell at 72nd Street: we might join the NYC Department of Parks & Recreation and Backpacker Magazine for Adventures NYC, and discover adventure right here in our own backyard. We can hike, bike, climb and paddle our way across the five boroughs, and celebrate NYC Parks and the great outdoors. The Skyriders will be performing - they are a trampoline group that trains Team USA ski jumpers, and I'm told they put on a phenomenal show. Lots of other activities – visit www.nyc.gov/parks/adventuresnyc for details! This annual summer festival is FREE and open to the public.

or

We can go to the Statue of Hans Christian Andersen in Central Park at 72nd Street & Fifth Avenue where for over 50 years, rain or shine, New York children have gathered around Hans Christian Andersen’s statue in Central Park to listen to his stories. This wonderful New York City tradition continues this summer with a new and exciting storytelling program. In addition to many of Hans Christian Andersen’s classics, master storytellers will be telling some of their favorite stories from such far away places as Haiti, China, India, South Africa, and Ghana. Stories at the Statue is curated by renowned storyteller Diane Wolkstein, and is sponsored by the Hans Christian Andersen Storytelling Center, Inc. in cooperation with the City of New York/Parks & Recreation and the Central Park Conservancy. This takes place every Saturday from June 12th - September 25th, 2010 from 11am to 12pm.

True Materialism

2010-06-13T20:55:00.001-04:00

I didn't grow up with a lot of money. I remember my mom saying in a plaintive voice, "we're poor, we're poor" on the rare occasion that I actually asked her to purchase something for me. But although there weren't a lot of shopping trips in my formative years, we had lots and lots of stuff. Our family lived in a nineteen room house that my grandparents had purchased during World War II. When we moved into the house, which my parents bought from my father's mother in the 1970s, they basically took on all of her stuff, along with the possessions of a tenant who had passed away years earlier. Also in the house (and in the roomy barn nearby) were leftover items from the family who had owned the house before my grandparents. And when my mother's mother moved up from Georgia with her sister, we gained quite a number of their extra possessions as well.

My parents held on to all of this. Oh sure, we had the occasional yard sale, but other than unloading baby clothes (when we were in our teens) and our toys, not much seemed to disappear. Even when my parents moved out of the house to a 2-bedroom condo, most of the stuff seemed to go with them, stored in a basement storage unit packed from floor to ceiling and wall to wall with boxes.

So I find it interesting that my mother insinuates from time to time that my sister and I are materialistic. Sure we buy new stuff for ourselves and for our families (and as I've blogged before, I admit to building quite a shoe collection), but living in a 3-bedroom NYC apartment, I've hardly got the space to amass the kind of collection of stuff she has. I regularly purge clothes I don't wear and items my kids have outgrown. And when I buy, say, new sheets or towels, it is to replace old things, not just to add to our stuff. My mom holds on to things -- even items she doesn't like and doesn't use -- for reasons I cannot fathom. She once refused to sell an old chair at a yard sale because a buyer only offered $4 instead of $5. She has several sets of china, glassware and silverware, but rarely entertains. She has a collection of cookbooks but really doesn't enjoy cooking. She places a value on her possessions that far exceeds their fair market value or even their practical value in her life. So really, who is truly materialistic here?

Riverbank State Park Activities for NYC Public School Families

2010-06-11T22:24:00.000-04:00

Celebrate the end of a great school year! The DOE’S Office for Family Engagement and Advocacy and the Public School Athletic League invites all NYC Public School Families to come to Riverbank State Park for an afternoon of basketball, arts and crafts, double dutch, soccer and other games and workshops.

Who: All NYC Public School Families
What: Sports, games, arts and crafts, workshops
When: June 26, 2010/ 11am to 3pm
Where: Riverbank State Park, 679 Riverside Drive
Why: To celebrate another great school year and kick off the beginning of summer

Accidentally...

2010-06-10T13:19:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how everything can change in just an instant. I was on my way home from a PTA meeting last night when the taxi I was in was hit by another cab. We had just arrived at my apartment building, I had paid the driver, and was getting ready to get out of the cab. I was seated on the right side of the cab and opted to get out on that side rather than sliding over with all my gear in tow. I opened the door and then reached down to pick up my umbrella. In that moment, the other cab, speeding through our private driveway (despite two speedbumps and another vehicle stopped in front of it), clipped the open door, tearing off his own rear view mirror and breaking the hinges of my door. It was an awful sound and I shudder to think about what might have happened had it not been raining and I didn't have an umbrella to grab off the floor...

I called 911 and stood out in the driveway for almost an hour and a half for the police to show up. I wanted to give my statement -- the other driver was clearly at fault and I felt the record should show that. I felt badly for the driver of my own cab -- his damage was considerably more severe and yet he was clearly the better driver.

As I waited out in the rain, I saw many of my neighbors, as they returned from work, walked their dogs, etc. They and the building staff were wonderfully solicitous of my well-being. It felt great to know that they cared.

Ultimately, I went inside to warm up. My feet, already soaking wet from a walk across the Park to the school, were freezing. And after three calls to the police from me and a few from my driver, it appeared that this accident - where no one was hurt or trapped - was low on the official's priority list on this rainy night. I had left both my home phone number and cellphone number with the driver, plus I asked the doorman to buzz me when the police arrived. Around 11:15 or so - about two hours after the accident occurred -- I fell asleep on the couch, where I had been waiting, not ready to go to bed until I knew this was all resolved. When I awoke some time near midnight, the cabs were gone - the drivers tired of waiting as well and exchanged insurance information and drove off, my doorman told me.

Accidents are always unpleasant and inconvenient for all involved. But I thought the two drivers handled themselves with as much grace as possible. Even the cabbie at fault stayed around, although he easily could have driven off, given the minor damage the incident cost him. But an older man who lives in the building proved that some people, when given the slightest opportunity, will always be selfish and self-centered. He barreled into the driveway and idled behind the two interlocked cabs blocking his way, honking his horn and shouting obscenities. He wanted them to move so that he wouldn't have to back out of the driveway and drive around the block to get into the building's garage from the other direction. No matter that it would have taken two minutes to do so and he wasted considerably more time and energy trying to get his way. Tellingly, out of the dozens and dozens of cabbies and other drivers who passed through the driveway while I waited, he was the only driver who acted this way. Everyone else quietly sized up the situation and turned around.

Imperfect Mothering

2010-06-09T09:19:00.001-04:00

I read the New York Times piece about Le Conflit: La Femme et La Mere by Elisabeth Badinter and the online comments it generated with great interest. I vividly remember how tied to home I felt when I was nursing my two boys. For the first several months in each of their lives, they nursed for about an hour every two hours or so, which meant that I was basically always either sitting with them at my breast, or changing their diapers. I couldn't do anything while I was nursing - I just never was able to develop those skills, especially since they were big babies and it took both of my arms to hold them - so it was basically just time on the couch, day after day. Pumping didn't help - it took just as long to fill the bottle as it did to breastfeed. As they got older, I used formula for most of the daytime feedings -- no one seems to talk about mixing it up, but doing so allowed me to have a more normal life and go back to work (and neither of them experienced the so-called "nipple confusion") -- while still nursing first thing in the morning and at night. The human body is an amazing thing, and my milk production quickly adjusted to accommodate this schedule. But here's the thing: I just don't see how I could have added cloth diapers to the mix without outside help. At the time, I didn't have a washing machine in my apartment and can't see how I would have fit in all that time at the laundry. I find that motherhood is about making compromises and it saddens me that women are being pressured to do things just one way because it is fashionable.

2010-06-01T14:29:00.002-04:00

I'm always looking for ways to loose weight. I love to eat (especially sweets!) and hubby and I both love to indulge in an (at least) weekly bottle of wine. I run (and am training for the NYC Marathon) but somehow it still isn't enough to lose all the weight I gained after bearing two children and working at home (just steps from a well-stocked fridge and pantry) for 9 years. I'm listing some tips I recently saw on the Redbook web site - not because they are new to me, but because this seems to be a good place to remind myself that I can do these little things on a regular basis:

Don't overdo calorie cutting (less than 1200 calories/day makes your body think you're starving and your metabolism sinks like a stone).
Eat breakfast (yup, it really is the most important meal of the day - your metabolism doesn't rev back up until you eat again).
Pile on the protein (not quite to the Atkins level, but making protein part of every meal and snack makes your body work harder).
Nibble all day (lots of little meals speed up your metabolism, plus you won't gorge because you won't be hungry).
Go for "good" carbs (sugars and "white foods" raise insulin levels which promotes fat storage and slows down metabolism).
Limit alcohol (extra calories plus lower inhibitions leads to over indulging).
Drink milk (and eat yogurt, etc. because calcium pushes up your metabolism).
Go for spicy foods (again, they seem to boost your metabolism, plus you don't need to eat as much flavorful food to feel satisfied).
Pump iron to pump up your resting metabolism rate.
Add interval training (like sprints) to speed up your metabolism.
Slice workouts into smaller sessions (like running in the am and walking in the pm).
Don't let your period slow you down.
Get plenty of rest.
Don't let yourself get too stressed.

Doing Your Best

2010-05-28T10:04:00.000-04:00

I've started to read Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, which, among other things, describes the need to praise kids for their actions and efforts rather than their innate talents and intelligence. The thinking is that rewarding kids for getting A's by telling them that they are smart eventually backfires when the kids inevitably run across something that is difficult for them: they think that if they were really smart, they'd be able to answer the question easily; and when they don't know the answer right away, they think it's because they aren't smart after all (rather than because problem-solving takes effort). I'm not sure that I buy into this line of thinking. I believe that some people really are smart and it is ok to recognize that. Of course, anything worth achieving does take effort, so the message that you should always work hard is a good one, too. But I'm not convinced that the two are mutually exclusive.

In any event, I was thinking of the value of always doing your best when I read The Tipsy Diaries column in today's New York Times. The piece describes Doug Quinn, the bartender extraordinare at the legendary P. J. Clarke's. He went to college (Vassar even) but here he is making the humble task of bartending his life's work. The Times alludes to the position as lucrative (even just in tips, he probably pulls in upwards of $1000 a night), but more than anything, the paper makes it clear that Quinn has taken his God-given talents of "speed, stamina, dexterity, personality and an awe-inspiring memory" and worked them to the point that he is clearly acknowledged as one of the best in his profession.

The Easy Way Out

2010-05-20T10:30:00.003-04:00

An assignment to
Cross off the list.
Rather relax; why do I have to waste time
On homework, he asks.
Silly me, I say,
To think that writing a poem could be meaningful!
It's not; it's
Crap, I'm told.

Possibly the worst assignment ever!
OMG - I can't believe my teacher is making me do this!
Ever more and
More complaints.. then.. in two seconds he writes a
Simple acrostic poem. Done!

Lost

2010-04-30T15:13:00.000-04:00

My husband and I have periodically become infatuated with various TV shows. When he was in business school, we looked forward to late night reruns of Kolshak: The Night Stalker. Later, we became fans of Star Trek: The Next Generation. And for a time, we loved The X-Files.

Most recently, we've become enamoured with ABC's Lost. We came a bit late to the party, and watched episodes from the first 4 seasons via Internet downloads and DVDs. But now we watch diligently every week. And so we were incredibly disappointed to see a rerun this past Tuesday. What's up with that? My husband teases me that I should check all the forums and message boards to find out what's going on. So maybe I will!

Meanwhile, I've been thinking about all the mysteries -- big and small -- that the show's writers will have to contend with as the series winds down (with the big finale scheduled for May 23). Like how did the polar bears get to the island? What is the origin of Hugo's lucky number? And so forth.

We both agree that Hugo is the most likely candidate to be the new Jacob -- he seems to have the most finally tuned sense of right and wrong/good and evil and is the most self-less of all of them.

Missing Artwork

2010-04-28T16:37:00.001-04:00

My kids are getting older and keeping more and more from me. I miss the days when I was their best confidant. At one time, they told me everything - every hope, every disappointment, every secret. No longer. But it isn't only the secrets that they used to share that I miss now. I also miss their artwork. In preschool and kindergarten, every drawing was precious to them and had to be saved and displayed. My older son went through a phase when he drew the figures from his favorite Yu-gi-oh cards again and again. He entrusted page after page of colorful monsters to me, until my office bulletin boards and hallway art gallery were overflowing. But there was to be no culling out of the best and most beautiful -- all had equal importance to him. Similarly, when my scuba-loving younger child went through a period when he drew Jacques Cousteau's Calypso (always with a magnificent triangular sail - perhaps not true to life, but certainly true to his understanding of ships at the time), I didn't have just one or two, but dozens and dozens to display. And for a time, even although their level of artistic output had declined dramatically, I could still count on the annual self-portrait -- an elementary school art class ritual -- as a means of updating my collection of their artwork.

The revolt against me started with hearts. As part of a class project integrating art with math, my older son was asked to draw a representation of numbers that were meaningful to him. Along with the date of his birthday and our street address, he drew a series of hearts to indicate his fondness for the numerals. The whole piece was beautiful, rendered in wonderful watercolors on thick, high-quality cream stock. I was instantly smitten. He hated it. To me, it showed creativity and the spark of brilliance. To him, it was simply the result of a tiresome school assignment. He was embarrassed by the idea that I would hang it up and his friends would see the pink and red hearts. Our compromise was that I would hang it on the back of my office door where only I would enjoy it. In time, even that was unbearable to him, and he tore it to shreds.

After that, he stopped showing me his artwork. Fewer and fewer assignments from either child made it home. The gap between the ages they were when they did the work on the walls and their current ages grew. When the latest picture I had for my 7th grader was something he painted in 2nd grade, I gave up and took it all down, replacing my hallway art gallery with their sports photos. Sigh...

Thankfully, this story has a happy ending. Recently, I received a remarkable brochure in the mail. Sent by the church we attend to encourage participation in a capital-improvement fund-raising campaign, it featured a four-color rendering of the church building. There was something familiar about the choice of vivid colors and the confident thick outlines of the building exterior. I showed it to my younger son. The look on his face confirmed my suspicions. I'm not going to display it in my gallery... but I have gathered enough copies to send to family members who will appreciate it and still keep one for myself. The art collection lives on!

Embarrassed By My Mom

2010-04-23T15:21:00.001-04:00

The current contest from Talbots has me thinking about ways that my mom embarrassed and exasperated me through the years. What would I write about? That she didn't shave her legs (but wore skirts all the time)? The time she insisted on putting Stayfree Maxi-pad boxes in the family room fireplace even though I was entertaining a cute boy? The way she over-reacted to a friend who accidentally broke a thrift-store find, claiming he had destroyed a valuable antique? How she refused to knock $1 off the price of an old and very heavy club chair at one of her yard sales, with the result that my brother-in-law threw out his back toting it back into the house - costing him hundreds in medical bills? That she was older and considerably stricter than most of the mothers of my friends -- which was mortifying in countless, unbearable ways?

Of course now that I am mother to two almost-teenagers myself, who are as embarrassed of me (how could that be? I'm hip! I dress well! I listen to their music!) as I was of my mother, I've softened, somewhat, regarding her flaws.

Here, then, is the story I posted for the contest, which I've entitled Nothing Better to Do:

When I was in 5th grade, my teachers invited parents to school for a day. Most parents came early and quickly left as demands of work or caring for younger children interceded. My mom came and stayed all day. I was embarrassed – didn’t she have anything better to do? But in time, I realized that to her, having “nothing better to do” had an entirely different meaning. My mom wanted me to know that nothing in her life was more important to her than me and my education – and staying all day was her way of showing that.

A Tale of Two Cheesecakes

2010-04-20T16:28:00.000-04:00

We have a family tradition that when it is your birthday, you get to choose what we have for dinner. My younger son is celebrating the anniversary of his birth today, and requested that we order in pizza and that his birthday cake be in the form of cheesecake.

I make a pretty good cheesecake, if I do say so myself. The recipe is from my friend Tina, who actually trained at the NY culinary institute and is a fabulous cook. This cheesecake is one of our family's favorites -- right up there next to Barefoot Contessa's unbelievably delicious lemon curd tart. But I digress...

After the kids left for school today, I got to work on making the cheesecake, so it would have plenty of time to chill in the fridge before dinner, and so that I'd have plenty of time to go for a run and to get some work done (I've got a writing deadline today). I went out to the store to purchase the ingredients (the recipe calls for 3 packages of cream cheese - not exactly the sort of thing I keep on hand). I used my new food processor (a Christmas gift) to grind up the graham cracker crumbs and mix the other ingredients for the crust. For a change of pace, I used chocolate-flavored graham crackers and they positively sparkled with the bits of sugar mixed in. The cream cheese filling came out great, too. I assembled the whole thing and, frankly, it looked beautiful. But as I lifted the springform pan off the counter to put the cheesecake in the oven, the spring opened and the whole thing splattered all over the floor and the front of the stove. I just stood there for a moment, taking in the mess. I almost couldn't believe this was happening. I wanted to cry. There was no one home to complain to, and calling my sister, my husband, or a friend for consolation would just set me back, in terms of time.

So I made a half-hearted effort to clean up the worst of the mess, trudged back to the store, and started all over again. I have to say that this time, making the cheesecake wasn't as fun as it was the first time. But I finished without incident, completed my clean-up, and moved on to other things.

The kicker, though, was that as I was (very carefully) placing the finished cheesecake in the refridgerator, a container of fruit fell into it and made a whole. The thing is cursed, I swear!

Gymnastics in the Subway

2010-04-19T15:42:00.001-04:00

I've been riding the NYC subway for 24 years and thought I had seen the full range of underground performers (even before the fabulous Music Under New York program kicked in). Back in the late 80's, there was an amazing violinist who played with enough passion and verve that he had enthusiastic listeners who stopped to applaud even in the midst of the madness in Grand Central Station at rush hour. I've seen plenty of other musicians, too -- everything from Julliard students who want to earn a few extra dollars while they practice, to men on steel drums, groups with Andean flutes, jazz ensembles, old timers with accordians... the list goes on and on. I've seen singers in all shapes, sizes and talent levels: well rehearsed a capella groups, vocalists with mikes and synthesizers (and CDs for sale), and plenty of beggers who literally sing for their supper ("Amazing Grace" is always a favorite with the latter). I'm old enough that I even remember the preponderance of break dancers (what fun!) in the early and mid 80's. Jugglers? Yup, seen plenty of those, too. But until recently, I had never seen a group of guys perform an amazing gymnastics routine in a moving subway car. I was absolutely astounded at the work and diligent practice that must have gone into perfecting their act - so much so that I gave them a $20 bill for their efforts - something that I never usually do. Want to be astounded yourself? Check them out on YouTube.

Better Late?

2010-04-06T17:47:00.000-04:00

What is it with tardiness lately? I'm hardly a stickler for being on time, but when a playdate started 45 minutes late this morning, I was appalled. We met at a playground, that is popular, but perhaps more suited to toddlers than pre-teens, so basically, my son and I were waiting around doing not much of anything for three quarters of an hour. At 8, my son is old enough that the thrill of just being at a playground is hardly enough - he wanted to be playing with his buddy! What surprised me more than anything, was that I called when we arrived to let my son's friends know exactly where to meet us, and there was no mention of "oh, we haven't left yet!" Adding insult to injury was that if I had known we were going to have to wait so long, I would have stopped and gotten coffee (which I badly needed). When they finally arrived, there wasn 't even an apology!

This afternoon's playdate wasn't quite as bad - at least we were home and so weren't inconvenienced so much (and there was an apology, although not a phone call in advance to let us know they were running late). But cutting 30 minutes out of a 2 hour playdate is significant - and my son felt cheated.

April Fools Day

2010-04-05T12:59:00.000-04:00

The kids were off from school last week and so the first day of April was a marathon of pranks and practical jokes. I have to admit I started the whole thing by telling the boys that I had just heard on the radio that two days of vacation had been cancelled to make up for the two snow days they had enjoyed a month earlier. They bought it for a moment -- and so were determined to "get" me back.

Their first attempt at payback was to spike my half-and-half with vinegar. Luckily, I spotted the bottle on the kitchen counter and knew something was up before I put it into my coffee (serves them right for not putting stuff away!!).

They were more successful a bit later, though. While I was out for a run, they vaselined the door handle of my office and completely wrapped my office chair and phone in saranwrap. Just for good measure, they added a whoopee cushion to the seat of my chair.

I thought they were done, but they still had a few tricks up their sleeves. While I showered, they emptied all the shelves in my closet, hiding all my pants and tops in my husband's amoire (they hid his clothes somewhere else). Thankfully, I had just done laundry and so found some clean clothes to wear even before I discovered where they had put all my clothes.

Hubby didn't get off without being pranked, either. In addition to moving his clothes around, they saranwrapped his desk chair and phone, too, adding a "ha, ha!" message written in shaving cream as an extra creative touch.

What a fun day!

Rutabagas

2010-03-24T17:46:00.000-04:00

It is an ongoing challenge to get my younger son to eat enough fruits and vegetables. He likes only a few vegetables: corn, peas, carrots (and recently complained that he's tiring of the latter). He doesn't even like herbs as a flavoring agent (if there is a speck of green in something he invariably complains or tries to pick it out). As a result, I give him lots of fruit to make up for the lack of produce in his life: apples, cantaloupe, pineapple, berries, watermelon, dried cranberries, grapes, bananas, etc. Of course he doesn't even like all fruit: most citrus is off limits except for clementines and occasionally, oranges and tangerines.

I'm not a big fan of trying to hide veggies in other foods (the success of Jerry Seinfeld's wife's cookbook not withstanding); I would much rather be upfront about getting my kids to eat foods that are healthful. So I tried another tactic instead: I asked him what he'd be willing to try, naming as many obscure veggies as I could. And since he liked the sound of the word "rutabaga" I bought one during my last shopping expedition and the family tried it together a couple of nights ago. The thing was huge! So I cut it in half and diced it up, roasting 1/2 of the rutabaga chunks in olive oil with garlic salt, and boiling the rest. Surprise, surprise, we all liked both versions (although the roasted method won out as our favorite). Perhaps we'll try turnips or parsnips next...

Complaint Box

2010-02-11T14:36:00.002-05:00

I feel for kids with intensive food allergies, I really do. But I don't see why I should have to struggle to accomodate them at every level at every opportunity.

Over the weekend, my 3rd grader hosted a flag football party with kids from his school. Included among the kids invited was a child with dairy allergies. Ok fine. I had indicated clearly in the invitation that we would be serving pizza and cupcakes after the game. I did this so anyone who didn't want to eat the main items that would be served (for whatever reasons) could make their own arrangements. I also served carrot sticks and fruit (plus assorted chips and dips) assuming that at least fresh produce would probably be ok for everyone.

About a half hour before the party was to begin, a parent called asking that I be sure to order cheese-less pizza for his child. I let the machine answer and ignored the request. The invitation had gone out two weeks in advance. The night before the party, I had spent upwards of 4 hours with this very parent at another party -- and in all this time, no mention of his special request??? He had to wait until the last moment???

So when we met up at the football field, he asked me about the pizza. I told him I had ordered in advance and no, I hadn't changed my order because of his last minute request. So you know what he did? He pulled out his cellphone and ordered a large cheese-less pizza to be delivered along with the others I ordered. I didn't know about this, of course, and was surprised when the extra pizza showed up (which I then had to pay for). Have you ever heard of such nerve???

A Question of Birth Order

2010-01-29T12:04:00.003-05:00

My second son seems to have more trouble with authority than my older son. Part of the problem is that the younger one's school is fairly inflexible with regard to rule breaking (for example, they have a strict "no physical contact" rule that they enforce, with the same disciplinary measures whether the forbidden tough is an exuberant chest bump or a punch in the nose). But as I talk with other parents, I wonder, is it common for later-born kids to get in trouble more than first-borns?

No Heat

2010-01-21T13:58:00.002-05:00

My brother-in-law likes to be frugal. He sees it as a kind of game and enjoys getting his money's worth in any and all situations. I generally have no problem with that. In fact, I like a bargain as much as anyone else (just ask my kids, who make fun of me for my love of a good sale).

Buy the large popcorn at the movies and then go back for the free refill? Ok, I can't possibly eat that much myself, but I understand that the discomfort he must feel from gorging himself is assuaged by the joy in paying less per kernel of popcorn consumed than anyone else in the movie theater. Ditto for all those all-you-can eat dinner deals that he loves.

Use a compactor to consolidate trash, sometimes to the point that the bag is impossibly heavy? Ok, I know that he pays on a per bag basis, not a per pound basis.

Buy the cheapest champagne possible for New Year's Eve? Ok, it's only a family celebration after all, so there's no need to impress anyone. And since the Andre brand sure takes me back to my youth is a kitschy kind of way.

But I draw the line at not heating the house when you have overnight guests. Southern California it may be, but winter temps still get down to the forties at night in the hills of the desert. If you have to have a heated mattress pad to make getting into bed possible at night, then your house is just too cold!

Mothers and Sons

2009-12-22T10:45:00.002-05:00

The sad, sad case of Brooke Astor and her son Anthony Marshall (who was sentenced yesterday to 1-3 years in jail for stealing from her as she succumbed to dementia) has me thinking about the relationship of parents and their children as they both reach old age. While Mr. Marshall seems to have inappropriately helped himself to his mother's money, it isn't hard to imagine that he just got tired of waiting for her die so he could have the family fortune. Clearly their relationship was not warm and fuzzy: she apparently despised his wife and didn't seem to devote much attention to him during his childhood (at one point, he saw her twice during a 6-year period). But since she didn't seem completely devoid of affection, it is hard to understand why she didn't simply hand over more money so he could enjoy it during his lifetime (he's in his mid-80s) -- why continue to keep control over all of it? The notion of a son waiting for his mother to die so he can have his chance at glory reminds me of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Charles - wonder if we'll ever see some sort of hint of impatience there, too?

12 Days of Christmas

2009-12-21T11:31:00.003-05:00

I recently ran across an explanation of the symbols used in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas." I thought it was kind of interesting, so I'm listing it here:

1. Partridge in a pear tree – the partridge was symbol for Christ; others say that the pear tree has long associated with the Greek goddess Athena, the goddess of wisdom, who was said to be a virgin and who represented strength, fairness and mercy.
2. Turtledoves – doves mate for life and have always symbolized love and loyalty.
3. French hens – this trio representing hope, love and charity.
4. Calling birds – each bird stood for one of the four Gospels.
5. Golden rings – prosperity.
6. Geese-a-laying – ancient cultures revered geese as protectors; 6 corresponds to the Bibles' 6 days of creation.
7. Swans-a-swimming – swan were considered the bird of kings and queens.
8. Maids-a-milking – 8 corresponds to the 8beatitudes; also dairy products are related to merriment since before refrigeration, having dairy products was prized treat, often for a party.
9. Ladies dancing – dancing represents fun and celebration in almost every culture.
10. Lords-a-leaping – 10 can refer to the 10 commandments; the lords might represent soldiers leaping into war (against sin? against death?).
11. Pipers piping – on the first Christmas, shepherds reportedly played bagpipes to herald the new arrival .
12. Drummers drumming – the sound of percussionists was associated with protections and safety.

A Rant Against the MTA

2009-12-17T17:36:00.002-05:00

In recent days, the MTA announced a plan to scrap the free and reduced priced MetroCard program for NYC public school students. The free-fare student program accounts for less than 2% of the total MTA budget but will affect over 400,000 NYC public school students. At the same time, other counties in the state, which rely on a yellow school bus to get their children to school, will continue to receive their bus services. In New York City, the yellow MetroCard is our school bus and I stand with NYC parents and politicians who will not stand for its proposed elimination.

So I urge everyone who reads this to sign a petition telling the MTA that it must take this proposal off the table. The MTA can be more creative in fixing its financial crisis than by bargaining with our children’s education.

Want to know more about the MTA's financial mismanagement? Read recent coverage of this issue in the New York Times, the Daily News and AM New York and on Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer's web site.

Poetry

2009-12-04T14:09:00.002-05:00

I'm working on a poem to DH in the villanelle format:

Refrain 1 (A1)
Line 2 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)
Line 4 (a)
Line 5 (b)
Refrain 1 (A1)
Line 7 (a)
Line 8 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)
Line 10 (a)
Line 11 (b)
Refrain 1 (A1)
Line 13 (a)
Line 14 (b)
Refrain 2 (A2)
Line 16 (a)
Line 17 (b)
Refrain 1 (A1)
Refrain 2 (A2)

The most famous example of this form is Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night:"

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And Retailers Wonder Why We Hate to Shop...

2009-11-24T15:18:00.003-05:00

This morning, I attempted to place an order with Target.com, navigating to the site via Upromise.com from a link that promised “Free shipping on $50+ order.” Note that there was no asterisk on this promotional link that explained other requirements to receive free shipping, although there were detailed caveats from other vendors regarding their promotions on the same web page. But even though I clicked through on this promotional link and had items in my online shopping cart totally $122.92, the cart still added shipping fees totally $25.56 to my order.

In case I had done something wrong, I repeated the exercise several times. Each time, your site adding shipping fees, rather than providing the free shipping that was promised.

Thinking that there must be technical glitch (I’ve been a Upromise member for years and have used these links before – including linking to target.com – without problem or incident), I called the company using the 800 phone number listed on the web site for online orders. I explained my situation to the customer service rep who answered, and using my email address, she pulled up the order. In her opinion, I was not receiving the free shipping because not all the items in my cart had the “free shipping with orders over $50” tag. I explained to her that that isn’t what the promotion said – I had seen that promotion on the target.com site, but that I was linking from a promotion that said only “Free shipping on $50+ order.”

We went back and forth about this several times. She insisted that to receive truly free shipping, all the items would have had to have that “free shipping with orders over $50” tag – I explained again and again that that wasn’t what the Upromise web site said.

Finally, I asked to speak with her supervisor. At first she refused to transfer me. She said that all supervisors were busy and that I should call back another time. Then she kept me on hold for more than 35 minutes, coming back on the line only occasionally to suggest that I give up and call back, or that I should call a different customer service line if I wanted to complain.

Eventually, someone else came on the line. He repeated the same story. He said that although he knew of the relationship with Upromise.com, he could not go on their site and see the promotion I was talking about. He suggested that I talk to someone at Upromise if I wanted to get the promotion listed on their site. I insisted on speaking with his supervisor. He said that she was not available. When I persisted in wanting to speak with someone else, he said that there was no one else at Target that I could speak with. When I insisted that he transfer me to someone else, he put me on hold for a moment and then hung up.

At no time was I abusive or insulting to deserve such treatment. Instead, I was politely persistent.

By this time I was more than just annoyed - I was really angry and determined to get my discount. So I called the main Target customer service number. The representatives there were very nice, although they explained that they worked for Target stores, which is a separate entity from Target.com. But the supervisor there agreed to hear my story and pass it along to someone who could help. I explained my objectives:

1) To have someone familiar with the Upromise.com relationship will research this incident. None of the representatives I spoke with could access the member Upromise page and so couldn’t see the promotional link. But clearly, someone at Target has responsibility for this relationship and should be able to see the free shipping offer.

2) To have someone at Target will get back to me and:

a. Either provide me with a way to complete my order using the free shipping offer, or

b. Continue to insist that the Upromise promotion is not in effect. In this case, I told them, I will not place my order – at this time or ever again.

Within an hour, someone emailed me, apologizing and offering to refund the shipping fees once I placed the order. The email said, "Please go ahead and place the order now. Once you receive an e-mail that confirms your order has shipped, just e-mail us again with your order number, and we'll refund the full shipping charges to your credit card."

So I placed the order and still didn't get the refund - instead I received an email saying that I have to wait until it ships. Within a short time, I received a shipping confirmation for a partial shipment.

I wrote to them, "Well now it has (partially) shipped. So now just do the right thing give me the full shipping refund - don't try to tell me that now I have to wait until the rest of the order ships to get my refund. It shouldn't take so many calls and emails to get the free shipping you offered via Upromise! And if you really want to offer good customer service -- the kind that will get me to shop at target again -- go above and beyond -- refund the full $25.56 of shipping plus tax and then send me a gift card or a real letter of apology or flowers -- just something to acknowledge that your company has really botched this transaction!"

Update: I did get a response saying that I'll be credited for the entire shipping fee and related taxes. But the rest? I doubt it!

The Trouble With Zero-Tolerance Policies

2009-11-17T11:55:00.004-05:00

A while back, I wrote about the ridiculous situation my son's school created with its zero tolerance program for physical contact between students: my son and his friend received the same punishment for exuberant (but friendly) chest bumping that a girl got for punching a child in the nose so hard it bled. I was reminded again by the insanity of these types of one-size-fits-all rules by an article in the New York Times about a 6-year-old boy who brought a cub scout fork/spoon/knife utensil to school and was subsequently suspended and threatened with 45 days in reform school. Any pretense of common sense goes out the window when these policies are implemented.

Useless Cheating

2009-11-02T11:44:00.002-05:00

Yesterday the NY Times had an article about runners who cheat in marathons, taking shortcuts or having faster runners wear their bibs. I was appalled as I read this piece: other than Rosie Ruiz, these are rarely runners who are in contention for prize money, and for the majority of runners, finish times are all about personal records -- so why cheat? Experts estimate that as many as 400 of the 400,000 who run U.S. marathons each year are cheaters. This does not make sense to me - who are these cheaters trying to fool? Their friends and running partners certainly know what pace they are capable of. And since marathons are just "life list" items for so many of us, it seems pointless to fake a time that only the runner himself/herself really cares about.

In a similar vein, I was appalled yesterday by two parents at a youth football game who stood on the opposing team's sidelines to listen to the coach's strategy and call the plays out to the field. The team these parents were rooting for were already winning by a fairly large margin, so their cheating just smelled of bad sportsmanship. As with the marathon cheating, it didn't really change the outcome of the event -- it was completely useless!

Football Fan

2009-10-21T11:04:00.002-04:00

Both of my sons are playing tackle football for the second year this fall. I find that as a NYC mom, I must be somewhat defensive of my decision to let them do this. Other parents look at me and ask, in a sort of smarmy and superior tone, "Really? You're ok with that?"

The truth is, that at this age, tackle football is statistically safer than many other sports, including soccer. The helmets and padding help with this of course, as does the increased attention to training and safety issues: my kids practice 3-4 times each week. They learn how to fall gracefully, how to tackle and block safely (for example, no hits from the back, no grabbing the shoulder pads), and the importance of good equipment (mouth guards and athletic supporters are a must).

The physical conditioning, commitment, and discipline that football offers my children is at a much higher level than any other sport. And the camaraderie and team fellowship that comes from practicing and playing with their teammates four days a week is unparalleled. So yes, I am ok with my kids playing tackle football - you got a problem with that?

Birthday Blues

2009-10-13T12:34:00.006-04:00

I used to love my birthday. When I was growing up, I felt extremely lucky: I was born on Columbus Day, and back in those days, I got the day off from school, no matter which day of the week the 12th actually occurred. That, combined with the fact that I share my birthday with a sister I adore (in the days when twins were a rarity), meant that I always felt special and loved on my birthday.

Perhaps it was those happy memories of my childhood that set up the high expectations that I had for my birthday yesterday. I knew that the kids would be home from school and my husband would be home from work, meaning for me, that we'd celebrate the day together. Alas, it was not to be.

It wasn't that they forgot what day it was... it was just that they didn't care.

DH wished me a happy birthday as he got out of bed. But then he proceeded to make his own breakfast and coffee (I prefer a different blend). I waited a bit to see if he was arranging anything special (as I often do for him on his birthday and on Fathers' Day), but it was soon clear that there was nothing. His gift to me was to take me to a concert of Romantic music (Shostakovich, Rimsky-Korsakov and Rachmaninoff) -- which I had been greatly looking forward to until he had mocked it the day before, saying he wished he hadn't gotten himself into this and that he'd rather stay home and watch the Jets game.

His other "gift" was to load up my iphone with all my contact and appointment info. A great service (and I love that he's my tech guy!), but it is something he promised to do months ago (the iphone was a Mothers' Day gift) and so wasn't fun or a surprise, or even really a gift, if we're honest about it. It was kind of like me unloading the dishwasher (a chore everyone in the family hates) and calling it a gift to him.

What really got me upset though, was my kids' attitude toward the day. Not only had they neglected to prepare anything in advance (not even a homemade card), despite reminders as the big day approached, but they were openly belligerent. They pushed me off the best spots on the couch, demanded that I wait on them, and practically laughed at the idea that they should be doing anything special for me!!

So I left the house in extreme anger. I spent a lovely afternoon at the Metropolitan Museum by myself (including a wonderful meal and birthday cupcake) and then returned home for a run. By this time, they had pulled together a few trinkets and purchased a little cake, but I was having none of it. My run was more energetic than in weeks - fueled by my rage - and following a fast shower, I went out to my concert (great music!).

Even by this morning, the pain of their rejections still lingered. I make wonderful birthday celebrations for my family and it still bothers me that they don't care enough to do the same for me. DH says they're just kids -- but I think that at 8 and 12 they are old enough to actively show appreciation.

I plan parties and choose presents with care. I put a great deal of love and thought and advanced preparation into these tasks. And I look forward to the joy I know that my efforts will bring to my DH and my children. So it really hurt when I realized that there is no one thinking about giving me joy on my special day. I'm not even talking about wanting expensive jewelry or status bags or designer clothes. I simply wanted some acknowledgement that my family wanted me to be happy and feel loved on my birthday.

It wouldn't have taken much to do this. There were blueberry muffins in the fridge -- they could have stuck a candle on one of them and sung to me, and I would have been pleased. They could have handed me the television remote and told me that all day long they only wanted me to watch "my" shows, and I would have been overjoyed. They could have covered me with hugs and kisses and declarations of love, and my day would have been complete. But they didn't do any of these things, and the stuff that they did do later on felt like a little, too late. The gifts I ultimately received were given out of guilt rather than out of a true desire to demonstrate affection. And so they are worthless to me.

Life List

2009-09-22T14:02:00.011-04:00

I've always liked the idea of creating lists of things you hope to accomplish. Here's mine:

Go back to Hawaii.
Visit Florence.
See Athens
Go on an African safari.
Travel to Egypt.
Explore the Holy Land.
Publish my WWII book.
Have something published in the NY Times.
Finish a novel.
Pen a prize-winning short story.
Write a poem I'm proud of.
Finish the NY Marathon in less than 5 hours (2 attempts: finished in 6 hours in 2008; trained harder in 2011 and still only finished in 5:49).
Run the Fifth Avenue Mile in 9 minutes or less.
Complete a 1/2 marathon in each of the 5 boroughs
Run 1,000 miles in one year (completed in 2011).
Bike ride over the George Washington Bridge.
Take a Century ride.
Earn a black belt in martial arts.
Reach my weight goal of 110 and stay there.
Smile a white smile.
Lose the bags under my eyes.
Learn to paint well enough to hang my work on the wall.
Bake bread.
Grow an herb garden.
Make my own pesto.
Make some hummus
Learn to play the piano.
Become fluent in a foreign language (French or Italian).
Wear an original Chanel fashion piece.
Row a boat in the Central Park lake.
See another Shakespeare in the Park performance.
Still be in love and holding hands when I'm in my 80s.

2009-09-18T11:10:00.003-04:00

Here's a listing of the various roles I play as mother and wife:

A. alarm clock, advisor, and all-around gal Friday
B. babysitter, bookkeeper, business partner
C. chauffeur, chef, confidante, coach
D. dishwasher, DJ
E. editor, executive, emcee
F. friend
G. go-getter
H. handyman, housekeeper
I. interior designer
J. jack-of-all-trades
K. Kris Kringle
L. lover, laundress
M. mother
N. navigator, nurse, nutritionist
O. organizer
P. party planner, personal shopper
Q. queen of quality control
R. referee, researcher, runner
S. stylist, short-order cook
T. teacher, tutor, team mom
U. uber-everything
V. vacation-planner
W. writer, wife, waitress
X. x-mas elf
Y. yeoman
Z. zipper-fixer